Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Dear diary extras


Sa te intorci acasa e ca si cum faci o calatorie in timp. Si totul respira amintiri. Deci eu nu am rezistat si azi dimineatsa, fiind prea somnoroasa ca sa ma ocup cu ceva util pentru societate, am deschis jurnalele mele din anii trecutsi si m-am apucat sa citesc. Pe undeva oftam, pe undeva imi trageam concluzii, alteori rideam. Din ultima categorie, ofer un extras, cele mai cele din cele mai cele.

8 octombrie 2005
oricum nu am nimic de facut acasă în afară de salată de ridiche, aşa că mă duc!

13 octombrie 2005
...A venit deam şi X şi s-a alăturat celor ce de hramul oraşului voiau să stea acasă şi să se uite la TV fără sa vadă nimic.

tot in ziua aia, la telefon
(mamica) - Unde eşti?
(eu) - la lecţii.

(mamica) - da eu sunt in oraş, beau ceai şi mănînc chips.

19 0ctombrie 2005
Ştiţi ce fac eu acum? Citesc în glas despre ideile economice ale autorilor clasici.

tot in ziua aia
inima mea nu are minte. Şi chiar credeam ca am mai mult creier.

31 octombrie 2005
Azi e ultima zi a penultimei luni de toamna. Mîine e prima zi a ultimei luni de toamna. Pe 1 decembrie va fi prima zi a primei luni de iarna. I have gone bunkers.

15 decembrie 2005
Vreau sa ajung la Epicentru. Desi, cartea de geografie spune ca locul unde as vrea sa ma aflu eu acum este Nucleul Intern al Pamintului, pe cind Epicentrul este punctul de pe glob deasupra focarului unui cutremur, locul de zguduire maxima. De fapt, daca sa ma gindesc mai bine, eu sunt la Epicentru !

2 februarie 2006
(la telefon)
(fratele anei ) "....."

(ana) "Am cap, cum n-am??? "


14 martie 2006
(la telefon)
(eu )"Alo?"

(jenelu) "Auzi, tu costum de iepure n-ai?"

23 martie 2006
Brain ring... 10 lei rulz... însă zboară din concurs în prima etapă. Dar măcar merg la Andy's şi beau. De 10 lei.

10 aprilie 2006
mi-am făcut greutatea mea de xerox, şi acum mă duc să învăţ.

6 mai 2006
azi la CUC am făcut egalitate cu o echipă care nu s-a perzentat.

22 mai 2006
ce bine e ce bine, ce minunat, oac oac !

26 octombrie 2006
degraba ii miine iar eu nu am învăţat. Dar pînă mîine mai sunt 11 min, pe cînd pînă mîine la ora 10 mai sunt 10 ore şi 11 min : ))))

15 noiembrie 2006
azi iată am o lună de cînd populez acest oraş şi contribui activ la poluarea aerului său.

9 decembrie 2006
lumea spune ca sunt mai egoistă. Nu cred, însă încerc din răsputeri.

=))))))

My life path number




My Life Path Number is 4



Your purpose in life is to build your vision.

You are practical and responsible. You work hard, knowing that there are no shortcuts in life.

You work for a better life for yourself and those you love, but you are not an idealist.

Trustworthy and honest, you also demonstrate great courage. People can count on you.


In love, you are a loyal and committed partner. You are the ideal spouse.


You don't give up easily, and sometimes you can be too stubborn and unwilling to change.

You also can be too conservative at times. You sometime miss out on good opportunities.

Also remember that not everyone can work as hard as you, as disappointing as that is!



Well, i thought i'd share this chunk of info about me so i do not have to repeat it to people over and over again :)) but oh wait, i will either way :P

What city do i belong in?


And the verdict is.....

I Belong in New York City



I am the energetic, ambitious type.

And only NYC is fast enough for me.

Maybe i'll set myself up with a killer career

Or simply take in all the city has to offer.




And i thought NYC was too noisy, polluted and crowded for me. Well, if the test says so, then it means that it's true, right ?

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Alegeri

Citeam mult cind eram copil. Eram micutsa de statura, si la biblioteca din scoala ajungeam numa la primele 3 rafturi. La un moment dat, citisem toate cartile de acolo. Deci era momentul sa cresc.
Mi-a ramas in memorie fraza atit de des folosita in povesti : "peste mari si tsari". Departarea. Acuma insa nu se simte aceasta departare, pentru ca exista acea minune numita de noi INTERNET. Si dispare si distantsa, si trece si timpul. Cu totsii suntem victime ale acestui fenomen de globalizare. Si odata cu el, dispar si limitele, nu doar hotarele. Avem foarte multa libertate. Mai ales libertate de alegere. Am urmarit pe TED.com un interviu despre aceasta libertate excesiva. Pina acum, cind nu aveam de unde alege, gradul de satisfactsie era mult mai ridicat. Pentru ca de exemplu, exista doar un tip de blugi. Albastri. Cei care nu stateau asa cum vrei tu, insa erau comozi si ii purtai, caci nu era altceva. Acum insa, sunt feluri peste feluri, modele peste modele, culori peste culori. Lasind deoparte timpul pe care il petrecem alegind, deja cind alegi o pereche care tsi se potriveste, o cumperi, insa de cele mai multe ori, iti ramine un sentiment ca poate ai fi putut sa gasesti ceva mai bun daca mai cautai. Deja cind ceva nu iti convine, intreaga responsabilitate este pe tine, caci tu nu ai facut alegerea corecta. Pina acum era simplu. Nu aveai de unde alege. Nu iti place? Rabda. Caci asta e. Altfel nu poate fi.
Nu este insa chiar atit de simplu. Totul incepe de la a-ti alege blugii. Daca sa facem o mica trimitere la blogul unui prieten unde se face alta trimitere la alt articol, trecem de la blugi la partener de viatsa. Acum poti alege. Si nu doar o data. Cindva, se faceau compromisuri si nu divortsa lumea asa cu una cu doua. Acum insa poti alege. Acum, din cauza ca ai atita alegere, ramii ca magarul care avea un vas de orz si unul de mei, si nestiind pe care sa il aleaga, a murit de foame.
Acelasi lucru si cu tsara. Globalizarea asta te impinge si la aceasta alegere. Am stat acum mai mult la vorba cu sora mea, si ea m-a intrebat in care tsara imi vad viitorul. Greu de spus. Caci am de unde alege.
Nu alegi doar familia in care te nasti. Adica asa ar fi normal, sa o acceptsi si sa o iubesti asa cum este. Insa nu este mereu asa. Se destrama famiile, se reneaga feciori si se dezmostenesc fiice. Daca nu iti convine, pleci. Caci poti sa o faci.
Prea multe posibilitatsi. Prea multa alegere. Prea mult de toate.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Internet gone bad

What's the thing with persons and their status messages on msn? I have to admit that i used to do the same thing some time ago, i put "meaningful"messages and quotes for certain persons to draw certain conclusions. But now i think i am way past that phase. The only statuses with direct meaning are the ones that carry practical info about my persona like "sleepwalking around the dorm" or "happy". The rest are just random quotes that only sometimes characterize the way i feel. But the rest of the times, there is no need to look into them too deeply.
The italians i have come across seem to have a different opinion. They seem to be less considerate when it comes to keeping information secret and letting that "certain" person know more than she(in this case me) is willing to know. For example, after somewhat weird encounters with a person, after he was obviously puzzled by the brightly colored "relationship", (let us call it that) a relationship that did not fit into any if his previously set standards, he displayed for several days the message nella persona sbagliata ( the wrong person)on msn. Great, i say. Just great. I know that it was weird with him. I know it was different. I know it was hard. But that made me read the message the other way. He was the persona sbagliata. It had been so fine and shiny for a long time. It was all super till out of the blue it was not no more. And i could not put my finger on what had changed, what had made the encounters so exhausting. And then it just hit me. Italians are said to be very connected to their mothers. And that is what they expect from a girl. For her to take care of them, to pat them on the head and say it is going to be fine. To spoil them. And to entertain them. And that is when i realized that it was the "bring it on" attitude that killed it. He had to do more than just sit there. He had to make the decisions, and not give me the "you choose" crap all the time, coz every now and then a girl wants to be swept away. People tell me that i am a control freak, that i lead in discussions, dancing and even kisses. And it is true, but i yield for the one who will do all that for me, i want him to wear the pants so that i can wear a skirt. So, as he himself said, it was la persona sbagliata.
But my story does not end there. As i decide to give it another shot and offer a second chance to italians, i come across another set of status messages. Se non sai rischiare, non ottenerai nulla. Ma se non vale la pena? "If you do not risk, you do not win. But sometimes you wonder if it is worth it." And it was soo after a certain encounter that went a little different than what he expected...In my opinion, it went great. So this time i broke my unspoken rule and responded se uno vuole una cosa, vale la pena lottare - "if smb wants something, it is worth the fight". Well.... that calmed him down a bit. But then, after i had gone to see him before leaving for home, the next morning he displays the message vedremo.... buon viaggio " we will see.... have a nice trip" ... well, i am sure that was for me. And we will see ???? yes, we will, coz it is too soon to say if there will be smth or not. And it is a pity if not, coz i really like this one..... So what's the thing with the status messages?
I think internet has gone too far.... it substitutes so many things that it becomes scary.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Escape

It is said that you know you are moldovan if when u travel there are at least 5 people to see you off and other 5 to receive you. Well, yesterday, alone in the trasm with my backpack that was supposedly weighing less than 10 kg, with my laptop bag that was sooo containing other objects besides the computer, i headed to Milano Centrale, thinking that it actually is a nice city i live in. I had said all my goodbyes, and yes, it is easier to leave than to be left behind. And yes, time is relative. Right now i cannot believe i had been gone for 5 months. And yesterday i was still in my comfy bed with my Hugo Bob... Time is relative. I kinda left all the issues behind me and now i am just enjoying the ride. Well, i enjoyed the ride to Bucharest, now i still have to " enjoy" the 12 hrs by bus till home ;)
Bergamo airport is small, when compared to Malpensa or ... JFK :) After 4 hrs of waiting, 2 of which were spent watching LOST, i got into my window seat in the plane and we took off. I actually fell asleep under the sexy soothing voice of the pilot telling us in english and then romanian that we had to keep our seat belts fastened. So no italian for 2 weeks... yeay ?
Getting to Baneasa International Airport i was struck by certain inexplicable differences between the people. I cannot explain it, but it was different. It kinda feels like home, and it is nice.
I have already started to miss some of the things i am already so used to. And maybe that is the problem. I am too tied to some things. And tonight's dream made that clear. It stated all my addictions in a cumulative way. Internet, chocholate, affection, Hugo Bob and endorphins.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Despre toate si nimic

Trecind dintr-o stare in alta, nu am mai apucat sa imi inshir gindurile. Nici macar nu ma mai gindesc, sunt intr-o stare de indiferentsa totala. Nici nu stiu ce sa cred, oare sunt libera, oare am scapat? Oare in sfirsit mi-am dat seama ca nu merita sa ma omor cu diferite ginduri si sperantse? Oare in sfirsit am crescut?
Foarte ciudate zilele astea. De aia nici nu am gasit cuvintele necesare pentru a ma exprima, insa m-am ascuns dupa scuza ca nu am timp. Nu am timp sa ma opresc, nu am timp sa vorbesc, nu am timp sa te vad, nu am timp sa te iubesc. Nu am timp sa fiu cu tine, nu am timp sa rid si sa fiu eu insumi. In realitate insa nu mai vreau. M-am saturat. De tot si de toate.
Este trist si intuneric, stiu ce va fi miine. Ma enervez ca sunt atit de limitata si nu pot iesi din acest tipar, ca sunt atit de lasha si ma prefac indiferenta cind in realitate ma tem. Ma sufoca propriile mele nesigurantse, insa in loc sa ma ocup de ele, am preferat sa ma prefac ca nu imi pasa. Oare asa si este?
Aveam o lista cu toate cele ce trebuiau facute. Insa imi era lene sa ma uit pe ea. Cind imi aminteam cite ceva, mai adaugam un punct. Si nu ma panicam, lasa ca reusesc. Si da, am reusit, insa cu pretul somnului. Nu ma simteam ieri rau cind m-am culcat la 4:45. Azi insa la 7:30 insa era cam gri si indescifrabila lumea din jurul meu. Era frig si nu imi putea da seama ce ma doare. Nici macar nu stiam de ce am sarit din pat. Mi-au trebuit citeva secunde sa imi amintesc ca azi ma duc acasa. Da, sunt emotionata si abia astept sa ma vad in avionul ala. Insa nu m-am gindit insa la ce va fi dupa aia. Caci prefer sa iau totul pe rind. Sa ma vad mai intii in avion, si dupa aia imi pun alta dorintsa :) Desi data trecuta cind am formulat astfel doleantsele mele catre cel de SUS, acestea fiind ceva de genu " sa ma vad trecuta de vama" - s-a itimplat asa ca eu am trecut, insa fara autobuz, care se stricase. Uitasem sa mentsionez acest mic amanunt. Deci ai grija ce iti doresti ;)
Ieri mi-am facut vizitele, unele pe care le aminam deja de mult timp. Si da, in ultima seara trebuia sa ma vad cu toata lumea. Si nu evitam aceste persoane. Doar ca nu aveam chef de vorba. Si nici de ceai. Si nici de cafea. De ciocolata, da :P
Mintea moldovanului cea de pe urma ma face si pe mine sa imi pun diverse intrebari, insa am facut deja progrese si deci nu mai caut raspuns. Doar exprim o oarecare iteratsie, si apoi merg mai departe. Caci am obosit.
Oare incotro sa o iau mai departe?
Sa cred in ce faci, sau in ce zici?
Oare tot ce se face se face cu un motiv oarecare?
Miine va ploua?

Te simt aproape. Indiferent de cite au fost si de cite nu au fost. Asta e.
Si da, ma tem. Ma tem sa ma uit la tine. Caci nu stiu ce voi vedea in ochii tai. Si e pacat. Caci daca nu te vad, nu voi afla niciodata.

Monday, May 19, 2008

What makes boys different from girls?







Yesterday was a day in which i hardly stepped more than 50 m from my room. Yet, the diversity of the interactions with different persons made me silently asses the differences between a certain A and B, between X and Y, and therefore, of course, i started wondering about the difference between XX/XY.




Biologically

Humans have 23 pairs of chromosomes within each cell; 22 of these are alike in both males and females. But, "...when we come to the 23d pair, the sexes are not the same. . . every woman has in her cells two of what we call the X chromosome. But a man has just one X---its mate being the much smaller Y." Sex differentiation takes place immediately as the male or female begins to develop within the womb. The sex hormones --primarily estrogen and testosterone--have a significant impact on the behavior of males and females. The neuro-endocrinological evidence is clear: The high level of testosterone in males drives them toward dominance in the world, while the lack of high levels of this hormone in women creates a natural, biological push in the direction of less dominant and more nurturing roles in society.
It is also argued that there are significant brain differences, that one gender has one side more developed than the other, more specifically, it is said that men have the tendency to use the right side of the brain while women, the right side. All the verbal, sorting, detail-oriented side of the brain is the left one, while the spatial intuitive nonverbal side is the right. And yes, research shows that a woman speaks twice as many words as the man has done even before the age of 2.
Also, women seem to have an enhanced awareness of "emotionally relevant details, visual cues, verbal nuances, and hidden meanings. Similarly, while male infants are more interested in objects than in people, female infants respond more readily to the human voice than do male infants. But the difference between the male and female brain is not evidence of superiority or inferiority, but of specialization. One opinion states that men and women are like the right and left leg- different, but neither better than the other. And most importantly, you need both in order to move forward.

Psychologically

Among all the theories that emphasize the differences there are some that promote the similarity among the genders. Also, Alice Eagly's gender role theory claims that boys and girls learn the appropriate behavior and attitudes from the family and overall culture they grow up with, and so non-physical gender differences are a product of socialization. In conclusion, one can say that commonality across cultures and species implies some biological basis, but the fact that the situation is changing reflects the power of socialisation. [...]

The usual stereotypes are the following :
- Men are more prone to taking risks;
- 60-75% of women prefer feeling and 55-80% of men prefer thinking;
- Males are generally more aggressive than females;
- Women are more emotionally expressive and responsive;
- Women express their feelings without constraint, except for the emotion of anger;
- Women score higher in Agreeableness - tendency to be compassionate and cooperative Neuroticism tendency to feel anxiety, anger, and depression and Empathy - capacity to recognise or understand another's state of mind or emotion;
- Women pay more attention to body language and nonverbal communication;
- Women laugh, gaze and smile more;
- Women anticipate negative consequences for expressing anger and aggression;
- Men are overwhelmed by women's expressions of emotion.
- Men control their feelings and restrain from expressing them;
- Men are stoic.
- Men show emotion to communicate dominance.

Differences in communication styles:
- Men tend to talk more than women in public situations, but women tend to talk more than men at home.
- Females are more inclined to face each other and make eye contact when talking, while males are more likely to look away from each other.
- Girls and women tend to jump from topic to topic, but boys and men tend to talk at length about one topic.
- When listening, women make more noises such as “mm-hmm” and “uh-huh”, while men are more likely to listen silently.
- Women are inclined to express agreement and support, while men are more inclined to debate.

These and many others are present in "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" - the book by John Gray that concentrates more on the psychological aspects and on the conflict solving strategies between the sexes. An example of the theories it offers is that women complain about problems because they want their problems to be acknowledged, while men complain about problems because they are asking for solutions. But it emphasizes the fact that the "Martians" and the "Venusians" are just stereotypes and cannot be applied blindly to any individual, as every person is unique in his or her own way. It was a best seller as it offered answers to a lot of questions, but it also raised a lot of critique, as it would have been normal, given the fact that the theme is very controversial. Especially as the femminist communities argued that the book was sexist and that it prioritized the needs of men over the ones of women. The book almost assesses the correctness of the praze mostly used by husbands in marital fights with their wives, " you are like from another planet !!!"

Conclusion

These days stereotypes are harder and harder to sustain - one that definitely seems to have disappeared over the last two decades is that girls have less motivation to achieve. Even the clothing model has changed with the appearance of the unisex pieces. The world is working towards equality of the genders and people fight for equal rights, especially education. Some scientists even asses the possibility of sex differences disappearing by the middle of the next century. Also, all the studies that have been conducted cannot be considered accurate as all are based on averages. As one very intelligent person once said, there are 3 kinds of lies: lies, dammed lies and statistics.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

"Ce? Unde? Cind?" - cu K-19

Clubul Moldovenesc de Jocuri intelectuale a fost fondat in ianuarie 2000. Printre scopurile sale sunt promovarea activitatsilor distractive de cunoastere, practicarea acestor jocuri ca o mai buna metoda de invatsare si distractsie si cultivarea eruditsiei, creativitatii si spiritului de echipa. Astăzi clubul cuprinde în jur de 50 de echipe, adică peste 300 de membri, de toate vârstele, de la şcoli, licee, universităţi şi chiar absolvenţi ai universităţilor.

Spune lumea ca sunt sociabila. Da, dar nu mereu. Trebuie sa ma prinzi in toane bune. In acea zi insa, eram destul de energica si cu dispozitsie, dat fiind faptul ca stateam la coada deja de jumatate de ora. Insa, ca sa nu pierd timpul, am intrat in discutsie cu el - un baiat inalt, blond si aparent inofensiv. Insa aparentsele inseala, si deci dupa o ora de asteptare si de vorba despre toate, baiatul timid mi-a cerut in mod direct numarul de telefon cu o abordare total noua pentru mine, si deci eu, care nu dau niciodata numarul meu de telefon unui strain, i l-am scris, nici mai mult nici mai putsin, pe mina. Da da, ca in filme. Insa nu a fost niciodata nici o intentsie romantica din partea lui, lucru care m-a linistit, mai ales ca dupa ce ne-am intilnit din greseala peste vreo citeva zile, el mi-a marturisit ca s-a sters ultima cifra si deci nu ma putea suna :))) Am ris impreuna si de data aceasta i-am scris numarul pe o bucatsica de papirus.
Astfel a inceput aventura ce se numea K-19 in CUC ( Ce? Unde? Cind?) Nu stiam cine sunt ei, nu stiam unde ma duc, nu stiam ce vom face, insa, fara sa imi pot explica de ce, aveam incredere oarba in baiatul cu ochi albastri.
Nu era nimeni in jur. Iar eu ii priveam cum vin spre mine. Erau 3.
Primul avea o podoaba capilara bogata si creatsa care ar face orice fata geloasa. Parea insa agresiv, mai ales ca facea niste mimici amenintsatoare, insa avea ochii blinzi, lucru care m-a facut sa il privesc cu o oarecare admiratsie, chiar daca mult timp nu tsineam minte cum il cheama. Si avea un nume atit de cunoscut mie - Adrian. Era destul de imprevizibil- ma face mereu sa ma intreb de nu are dubla personalitate. Mai ales ca era DJ la Radio Asem, iar eu, fiind in relatsii bune cu el, mereu imi auzeam piesele preferate in emisie in timpul recreatsiilor :)))
Al doilea era blond si cu ochi albastri. Sub tricoul cu mineci scurte purtat in februarie se vedeau orele petrecute la sala, iar privindu'l se simtea si acea duritate. Mereu trebuia sa nu fie de acord, sa contrazica pe toata lumea, el era Toma necredinciosul. Da, era blond, insa foarte destept. Cred ca pentru o echipa cu 2 persoane blonde, jucam destul de bine :))))
Apoi era ea. Zimbitoare, calma, senina. M-am mirat ca se simtsea atit de bine cu persoanele ce imi pareau atit de stranii- pina la urma insa, am ajuns sa ma simt si eu atit de in largul meu cu ei.
Eram o echipa. Eram K-19. Rideam si glumeam mereu, nu ne puteam concentra, dadeam raspunsuri aleatorii, strigam tot ce ne vine in cap, nu aveam nici o strategie si nici un plan. Ne simtseam bine. Cu noi mai era si Istoricul - Pavel - el insa aparea brusc si disparea la fel de misterios. Nu vorbea mult, cu atit mai mult despre el. Desigur, in zilele in care lipsea, majoritatea intrebarilor erau din domeniul istoriei, lucru care ne facea sa lasam miinile in jos si sa aruncam pe masa raspunsuri aberante, din care alegeam cel mai plauzibil - asa ca macar sa nu ne facem de ris :)))
Pina la urma, eram doar noi 4. Si asa, fara nici o ambitsie, si doar bucurindu-ne de viatsa, facind haz de prostia omeneasca si uitind de toate regulile, asa am ajuns sa fim pe locul 3. Fara nici un efort. Celelalte echipe se scremeau sa cistige toate jocurile, numarau punctele, se certau cu Fala pentru fiecare intrebare/raspuns. Noi nici nu stiam bine regulile. Noi doar jucam. Si fiind atit de relaxati si atit de confortabili in cercul nostru de prieteni de simbata seara, petreceam acele 3 ore tachinindu-ne unul pe altul si fiind reali, adevaratsi, fideli. Niciodata nu ne-am concentrat, niciodata nu ne-am panicat. De aia parea acel minut in care trebuia sa dam raspunsul atit de lung. Le reuseam pe toate - fiecare sa isi spuna ideea, sa alegem una din ele, sa o contrazicem, sa dam alta idee, sa facem haz de ideile capitanului, sa negam pornirile lui Adrian, sa ii spunem Lenei ca nu are mereu dreptate, sa imi zica mie ca nu, nu este atit de adinc sensul intrebarii.... Reuseam sa facem toate astea si apoi sa oferim un cu totul alt raspuns. Care era corect. Desigur.
Consider ca eram o echipa buna, chiar daca cunosteam atit de putsin. Ne vedeam o data pe saptamina si petreceam 3 ore impreuna, jucind acest joc intelectual. Mergeam apoi la statsia de troleu impreuna unde ne luam ramas bun, caci locuiam in regiuni diferite.
Interactsionam sanatos. K-19. Toata lumea se intreba de ce aveam acest nume? K- de la cascadorie. 19 - pentru ca este virsta celui mai tinar jucator la momentul formarii. Nu eu am ales numele echipei, care dupa ce a devenit trademark, nu mai putea fi skimbat. De aia zic ca unele chestii mai bine ramin mister. K-19. Punct. Imi e dor de ei.

Friday, May 16, 2008

...si sunt dependenta, dar spun NU

Astazi a fost una din zilele alea cind mergi in sens contrar. Cind vrei sa tragi pe dreapta si nu potsi pentru ca fluxul de evenimente te tsine acolo, pe stinga, ca sa te loveasca in plin tot mai multe si mai multe. Chestii marunte, chestii mari... insa pina la urma, doar asa te potsi trezi. Simtsi nitsel disconfort si deci iti dai seama ca este timpul sa te misti, sa treci de partea cealalta. Si odata trecut, speri sa potsi ramine acolo cit mai mult timp posibil.
In primul rind trebuie sa scapi de dependentse. Nici un fel de drog nu este bun, fie ca este vorba de fumat, alcool, ciocolata, internet, afectsiune sau mila de sine. Pur si simplu opreste-te. Clar ca nu este atit de simplu precum pare. Exact cum se spune, trebuie mai intii sa recuosti ca ai o problema. Si nu doar sa o recunosti, ci sa o acceptsi. Apoi, dupa ce ai decis ca dependentsa nu iti face bine, ca nu scoate la iveala persoana pe care ai vrea sa o vezi, ca te schimba si te face sa faci lucruri nebunesti, atunci deja potsi sa itsi faci un plan de actsiune. Metodele drastice sunt cele mai eficiente - taie raul din radacina. Si fara nici un fel de "ultima data". Fii ferm.
Desigur ca va trebui sa renuntsi la anumite placeri, la anumite elemente ce par indispensabile vietsii tale. Desigur ca trebuie sa faci anumite concesii. Si desigur ca este greu sa incepi din nou, fara acea mica scapare ce te readucea la linia de plutire. E greu, insa daca esti hotarit, poti sa o faci.
Desigur ca la inceput vor fi tentatsii. Desigur ca initsial nu va fi totul asa cum vrei. Insa incetul cu incetul, itsi vei reveni, daca vrei cu adevarat acest lucru. Chiar daca itsi zimbeste subtil si te atrage amintirea atit de placuta, trebuie sa te concentrezi asupra motivului din care ai renuntsat la acel obicei. Si opreste-te. Opreste-te inainte de a fi inceput. Si vei fi mindru de tine. Ca esti puternic. Ca esti hotarit.
Invatsa sa spui NU. Este un lucru foarte util in viatsa, sa stii sa spui NU, insa si mai important este sa stii cum sa itsi spui tsie insushi NU. Si da, o viatsa ai, insa acest lucru nu inseamna ca trebuie sa cazi in fiecare prapastie care tsi se deskide in cale. Mai alege si tu. Mai ales cind abisul este mult prea mare pentru a iesi din el. Si nu intotdeauna euforia pe care o simtsi cind cazi compenseaza sentimentul prabushirii pe fund. Off, iarashi au luat-o razna metaforele mele.... Este oare si asta o dependetsa?

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Love is eternal while it lasts


L'Amore è eterno finché dura . The reviews say that it is not good, but not bad. That it lacks color and expression. That the actors lack direction and that they are not believable. I say that it is a review by an American, thus by definition by a person who is not capable to understand the depth of the movie. It does not have any special effects, it does not have the most stunning cast, it does not show exquisite locations and does not present out-of-this-world events. So for the average American, used to empty plot lines and memorable explosions, to beautiful curves and at least one sex scene, this movie seemed boring. Yes, it was simple. Yes, the actors did look lost, but it was because they were in character. And there was a very clear message to the movie that was beautifully sent to the audience - me and Hugo Bob, of course.
It is all about what happens after the typical American movie ends. It is all about after the first date, wedding day, honeymoon, birth of child, appearance of all the possible relatives and discovery of all possible dirty secrets and skeletons from the closet. After all that, when the daughter is grown up and no, she does not have any drug problems. No, he is not George Clooney who ages so nicely.He is the average 50 year old man, with a typical mentality. No, he does not emphasize family values and tends to be attracted by personal freedom. No, he does not sacrifice himself in the name of the vows, and neither for the sake of their child. She is a grown up, she knows things are not working between mom and dad. So why make all of the involved miserable? He finds that at 50 he has the same young soul and only his body has aged, he finds that he has the same dreams and the same illusions, he finds that he can fall in love and he can actually make love as a teenager. And no, he does not make drama scenes, nor does he tolerate them. He'd rather call things by their names. Yes, he still feels affection for his wife, but no, there no longer was a marriage to save.
She is also the typical middle aged woman. Deeply depressed about menopause and into a drastic diet that makes her devour all the ice-cream in the kitchen when left loose. Neglected by her husband, she turns to the so comfortable tennis instructor that is only in it for the fun, and who, of course, dumps her when she is on the verge of divorce. She, at 50, found that in search for happiness and for a better life, she threw a
way the life that she had, and in the end, she ended up with nothing. She was a marital councellor, and ironically, she overlooked her own problems.
Typical marriage. Routine. When after the attraction is gone, there is nothing to talk about. Sad, but that is how it is. A real estate agent would know best - while selling houses to couples of all ages, the discussions are all bout that extra-room where one could run away from the other. All about the guest room, where no guests are expected. All about the space, all about the mystery that vanishes after 20 years of marriage. That is the solution to the love killing institution called marriage. Space. Time alone. Privacy. The possibility to listen to the kind of music that you love yet your life partner never learnt to accept. The freedom to watch your favourite soap opera... or even the freedom to sleep alone. Why does marriage have to be an obligatory institution with all kinds of restrictive rules? What is the best way to handle it?
What makes a relationship work? And even more, what makes a relationship last? The movie tried to answer the eternal dilemma... So the two people, from two different relationships, got together as both needed the air and the novelty. They decided that there was no need to live together. That there was no need to get married. That perfect is to be with one another when both want it. The rest of the time... one needs space. The rest of the time, one need to think in terms of "I" and not "We". But it does not work that way, does it?

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Love and hearts

Love works in mysterious ways.
SHE is beautiful and smart, and yet, for some reason, she settles for less. Because that is what love is. One that is willing to sacrifice himself for the happiness of the other. Or is it? Is it possible that it was just an obsession, a need to feel useful, needed, even indispensable, a taken to the extreme mother instinct? When one accepts the happiness of the other as its own, when one denies personal needs in order to satisfy the other's - i think it is no longer love, it is sacrifice. Love is supposed to be the happiness of the couple. And nobody should settle for less.
The message of "27 dresses" was a lot simpler. She is in love with him but he barely notices she is there - but that is ok, because she takes joy in organizing his life and taking care of every single detail concerning his day to day activity. She feels that without her he would be lost, as she is his compass and his guiding light through the mysteries of the world. She has no needs of her own. All she wants is to please him. Deep inside, she still hopes and dreams of him, she still thinks there might be a chance for him to wake up and realize that the woman he'd been looking for so bad was right there under his nose. But chances are slim, so she goes on loving him in silence. And that is who she is. She helps the people around her be happy as she herself is too afraid to pursue happiness herself. So she settles for less. Of course, in the end, she meets the perfect man to make her reconsider. There were lots of events that make her realize that things have changed drastically over a short period of time. Of course, when the moment is just right, and when she rushes away to see him and tell him how she feels, she makes it just in time to jump on the ferry and manages not to fall into the water. Of course, all the other people on the ferry were very interested in their love story and so when she got on stage and talked to him with a microphone, everyone was "Aaawh-ing". Of course, there was a a spotlight on him and he did not feel the least uncomfortable with the whole situation. And, of course, he felt the same and thus kissed her with the passion that every girl dreams of. Unfortunately, i could not sit through the typical teary-happy- end-American movie without sarcastic remarks. It's not that I don't believe in happy endings. It's just that i no longer believe in perfection.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Shopping

Milan. The fashion capital of the world. I never was much of a fashion fan before, i did not know any designer names beyond the level of general inevitable culture, i did not pursue a goal of buying an original D&G or Versace. My first encounter with real fashion outlets was in the summer of 2006, when an incursion in the Calvin Klein world made me ignore the prices and decide that yes, even the simple can be glamorous and the apparently boring turns out to be extraordinary when combined with accessories and motion. It does not have to glitter in order to draw attention, it does not have to be extreme in order to be chic. It is just appropriate, for a certain occasion, for a certain moment, for a certain state of mind.
Shopping has its unwritten laws. You start from one corner of the store that presents the item you are intuitively looking for. You then move critically through the diversity and decide where the demand equals supply. You are supposed to know exactly what you want, and even if you think you don't, subconsciously, you are attracted to a certain range of items that display one or more common characteristics. Most of the times, after having inspected the market, you end up trying on things you would have never previously considered, but given the fact that you have bothered to get that far, you might as well take chances and who knows, maybe you will stumble on something really interesting. If it does not fit, you can easily say that you knew that from the beginning, but given the fact that you want to seem as though you have no standards, no pre-established ideas and you do not take things for granted, by considering it and trying new things you reassured yourself and now you know for sure that it does not fit you and it is not for you. If it does look good though, there still is a way out - you can say that you cannot afford it anyway, that it is too bold or too dull for you, or, the best option, that it is inappropriate and is not what you are looking for at the moment. But it will not be there when THAT moment does come and you WILL be looking for it, will it? Most of the times, we are comfortable in our own ideas and our own vision of the world. We are fine behind the lines and the boundaries that we ourselves set. But the grass is always greener on the other side, so maybe we have to cross that line in order to be free. Maybe we are missing out on so many things that we do not even know about simply because we never tried to break the rules. Sometimes we just have to take chances, and if we know that something fits us perfectly and it seems made just for us, when it brings out the best of you, we have to go for it and take it, even if it does not comply with any of the sane instincts, even if it is against all the laws. When you just know that it is right, you are not suppose to think it through. Because you just know.
I bought my dress. But is it only about clothes?

Sunday, May 11, 2008

"Miracolul" primei intilniri

Iubesc serile de vara cind in aer se simte amintirea zilei de canicula. Briza de noapte aduce racoarea atit de necesara si sentimentul de liniste si libertate. Chiar daca ploua marunt iar imprejur se simte mirosul de praf ud tipic orashelor mari, totul se misca in temp lent, nu este nimeni in jur iar luminile galbui fac totul sa para diferit si straniu.
Ne place tot ce este misterios, tot ce este diferit, tot ce este neconventsional. Pretindem ca suntem obisnuitsi si suntem fericitsi cu banalul, insa nu este asa. Tot ce este nou este incitant. De aia mergem iarashi si iarashi la acele prime intilniri. De aceea ne supunem iarashi si iarashi acelorashi torturi. Prima impresie conteaza foarte mult, caci pentru a o schimba, este nevoie de 6 actsiuni contrare. Deci, tortura.... Nu este un sport pe care il practic cu placere. Sunt mereu aceleashi chestii de care deja te saturi, intri in acelashi tipaj si stii deja ce vei zice si ce va zice. Pentru ca ai mai trecut prin asta. Pentru ca toate primele intilniri sunt la fel, in esentsa.


Prima problema de care te ciocnesti este, desigur, CU CE MA IMBRAC? Sporty? Nu, sport e ok cind va intilnitsi din greseala. Elegant? La fel, cind dai nas cu nas in el exact in momentul cind aratsi de nota 10, este ok. Insa nu la prima intilnire, caci astfel, stiind ca ai depus atita efort pentru a te aranja, dezamagirea vine mult mai repede si este mult mai profunda caci de la inceput asteptarile tale erau mult prea mari, iar saracul interlocutor nu poate tsine pasul oricit nu ar vrea. Plus ca nu vrei sa para ca incerci din rasputeri sa ii placi. Deci sa portsi ceva de fiecare zi? Tot nu, caci astfel ar parea ca nu acorzi nici o importantsa acelei intrederi nocturne. Deci mijlocul de aur, o piesa de imbracaminte noua / purtata rar combinata cu blugi / pantaloni in care te simtsi confortabil. Cel mai penibil este sa portsi ceva in care nu te simtsi bine, caci astfel toata crisparea si inhibitsia pe care inevitabil o simtsi caci de, este prima intilnire, va fi maximizata si deci esec total. Fusta nu este o alegere buna - interzisa categoric ambelor sexe, fetelor permisa doar in timpul verii, insa doar in acele seri cind intradevar este prea cald... fusta permite prea multe interpretari, si nu, nu vrem sa facem acea impresie de la prima intilnire. Cum am zis, mai este nevoie si de nitel mister.
Tot de prima impresie tsine si aspectul de punctualitate. LA CE ORA SA AJUNG? Se stie ca deobicei cei ce sunt asteptatsi sunt mult mai bine dispusi decit cei ce asteapta. Foarte corect. Daca ajungi prea devreme, nu lashi impresie buna caci astfel esti tu cea ce asteapta si deci din start esti intr-o pozitsie inferioara. Plus ca in tot timpul ala pe care il petreci singura la colts/intersectsie/monument/intrare in cafenea etc esti constienta ca toata lumea ce trece pe linga tine stie ca asteptsi pe cineva care intirzie sa apara (doar daca ai tupeul sa stai linga o coada sau a o statsie de tram, de exemplu, caci astfel te integrezi perfect cu toate celelalte persoane ce asteapta ceva - deshi dupa ce trec vreo 3-4 mijloace de transport si populatsia protectoare ishi schimba componentsa - tu stai la fel de singura si deja incepi a desfashura diverse scenarii in capul tau, un alt motiv din care nu trebuie sa ajungi prima. Sa spunem ca nu te gindesti la eventuala clapa pe care tsi-o putea teage necunoscutul - dat fiind faptul ca esti la prima intilnire si nu cunosti persoana, este mai mult ca posibil ca pur si simplu, nu va veni si nici nu s-a obosit sa te anuntse. Daca totusi aceasta posibilitate nu exista, te plimbi linistita in jurul punctului stabilit si itsi gasesti un motiv destul de credibil pentru tine in acel moment de ce el intirzie. In primele minute zici ca este ok, se poate intimpla oricui. Apoi incepi a te gindi ca cine stie, poate ca a sunat telefonul fix exact cind ieshea din casa. Apoi treci la faptul ca poate a pierdut mijlocul de transport si deci sta si el undeva si se enerveaza ca tu stai si te enervezi. Dupa 10 minute deja incepi a te gindi ca poate ai inteles tu gresit ora sau locul, iar dupa 20 minute deja te intrebi de ce esti acolo si deci efectiv contemplezi ideea de a merge la Gelaterie pentru o inghetsata mare si calorica. Intr-un final apare, dupa acea intirziere, sau chiar daca nu intirzie, iar tu ai ajuns mai devreme, tsi se creeaza impresia ca totushi a intirziat, caci de, nu a putut sa vina si el mai devreme??? Zimbeste larg sau mai putsin larg, in dependentsa de gradul sau de introversiune, iar tu ii zimbesti inapoi, gindindu-te, in acelashi timp SA IL SARUTSI SAU NU PE OBRAZ? Daca esti prea emotsionata sau enervata si itsi ard obrajii, mai bine nu. Mai bine mentsii distantsa si faci o gluma, culoarea roshie se reflecta de la bluza pe obrajii tai. Daca insa esti rece ca un castravete, da, il sarutsi pe obraz si deci incepe oficial intilnirea. Ar fi bine sa nu existe lipsa de sincronizare cind tu te intinzi sa il sarutsi pe obrazul sting, iar el itsi ofera deptul. Mai rau este cind se trage instinctiv inapoi, sau, in cel mai rau caz, cind nu intentsioneaza sa primeasca un sarut pe obraz ci se intinde cu buzele, lucru care te face pe tine sa te dai inapoi. Penibil. Potsi doar sa rizi si sa faci cea mai buna gluma de care esti capabila in momentul dat, nu conteaza care, caci el oricum nu va fi atent la ce zici, caci de, singerarea orgoliului ranit diminueaza functsiile organelor auditive. Important e sa treci peste si sa incepi sa vorbesti. Aici apare alta intrebare.
DESPRE CE SA VORBESC? Ideal ar fi sa batsi in directsia lucrurilor comune pe care le avetsi. Astfel il atragi in discutsie si deci se mai sparge nitsel gheatsa. Daca insa nu stii nici daca avetsi ceva in comun, incepi tu a povesti A sau B si te rogi ca el sa mentsina discutsia. Daca vezi ca nu o face nici din prima, si nici a doua oara, itsi creezi deja impresia ca el este tipul comod care asteapta sa fie distrat, sau el este acel care este prea timid ca sa ia actsiunea in miinile sale. Ambele posibilitatsi sunt la fel de gri, caci in primul caz tu esti cea care face tot efortul iar el imparatul stelelor culege roadele, iar in cazul doi, incepi a crede ca daca tot vorbesti numai tu (si nu din cauza ca nu ii oferi posibilitatea sa spuna ceva, caci da, stii ca trebuie sa mai ascultsi din cind in cind, mai ales cind deja itsi e gura uscata si trebuie sa bei un pic de apa/suc/cola/cocktail/bere) atunci nu mai ai nevoie de el caci simtsi ca ai ieshit la o prima intilnire tot cu tine. Daca insa se dovedeste a fi un tip extrovert super amuzant, supre vorbarets si super draguts, vrei nu vrei, incepi a te gindi de ce sta acolo cu tine la prima intilnire, inseamna ca ceva nu este in regula cu el. De cele mai multe ori, asa si este, deci nu consider ca este nedrept din partea mea sa cataloghez totsi baietsii buni ca TAKEN or GAY. Pe cei FREELANCER ii lasam deoparte, din floare in floare ca o albinutsa zboara, insa unele flori nu se vor polenizate. Pastrezi insa acel numar de telefon, caci de, te-ai simtsit foarte bine cu el si atunci cind va fi noaptea cea mai neagra si ziua cea mai gri, ii potsi da un telefon stiind sigur ca va accepta propunerea ta de a ieshi. Da, este ushitsa ta de scapare din banal, este metoda de eliberare de stres si nu, deja nu mai este prima intilnire, deci nu trebuie sa treci prin ceea ce am mentsionat mai sus caci stii de la inceput ca nu conteaza. Respiri si esti femela, deci ii placi. Deja nu mai este acea intilnire tipica, in care daca taci, survine acea tacere penibila. Nu mai este atit de dureros, caci stii din start care sunt regulile. Eu, tu, aici, acum, atit.
Revenim insa la intilnirile tipice, cind intr-un final, epuizezi toate temele evidente, toate comentariile privind mediul inconjurator sunt facute, toate observatsiile privind vremea de afara si prognozele meteo sunt vociferate. Atunci te intrebi daca ar trebui sa mai spui ceva sau daca este acea tacere naturala, acea pauza pentru a procesa informatsiile precedente. Incerci apoi sa itsi amintesti daca nu cumva ai mai spus kestia data in seara aia, daca nu ai mai intrebat de 1o ori daca are surori fratsi, daca crede in D-zeu sau daca iubeste pisicile sau ciinii. Te uitsi in jur si cautsi scaparea. Nu este nici una. Daca incepi a discuta teme mai profunde, risti sa pari aroganta si sa nu itsi gasesti interlocutor pe masura, ceea ce inseamna da, esecul, sau risti sa te lovesti tu de arogantsa lui, care se vrea superior, si deci itsi inshira teoria vietsii sale de parca tsie tsi-ar pasa. In momentul acela ma intreb daca nu vorbesc eu prea mult la aceste prime intilniri.... da. Insa atit de mult mi-ar placea sa tac. Probabil ca aici e problema. De obicei vorbesc pentru a nu fi nevoita sa ascult. Chiar daca ideal pentru prima intilnire este o activitate oarecare -cinema, la teatru,concert, biliard,patinaj etc, caci astfel macar subiectul de discutsie initsial este oferit pe tava, - oricum ajungi la momentul ala dureros de tacere care trebuie eliminat prin intrebari si comentarii cazute din cer si deci tot acolo ajungi. Dar macar este mai scurt. Plus ca deja se face seara, si te rogi sa itsi sune telefonul, sau te uitsi la ora, sau, mai nou, il ghidezi spre casa ta intr-un mod in care el nu observa si apoi ii oferi replica de film "m-am simtsit foarte bine astazi. Acum sunt foarte obosit(a), merg acasa." Nu te mai complici cu intrebari de genul IL SARUT SAU NU DE NOAPTE BUNA, caci esti deja maricica si daca vrei sa il sarutsi, o faci, daca nu, il lashi in poarta /usa / statsie cu o privire de motanel chinuit. Tu respiri adinc si dai din cap. Mai bine citeam o carte.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Neadevaruri

Aberez.

Nu sunt lucidă, deşi îmi pare că sunt.

Atac.

Reacţionez agresiv pentru că nu ştiu cum altfel să o fac.

Mă tem.

Îmi e teamă că dacă dau jos acest zid de protecţie, voi cădea în aceleaşi priviri şi zîmbete efemere.

Uit.

Trecutul ce cîndva mă ţinea la suprafaţă acum mă trage înapoi.

Aleg.

Selectiv este mai uşor. Ca la shopping.

Risc.

Fac un efort şi risc. Însă nu pot.

Evit.

Nu vreau să vreau ceea ce vreau căci nu este bine. Este bine?

Mă tem.

Mă tem de ce va fi şi de ce nu va fi. Nu am curajul să merg mai departe, chiar neştiind ce e dupa colţ, după uşă.

Ştiu.

Ştiu ce vreau. Dar nu vreau.

Evit.

Căci este mai uşor şi nu aduce consecinţe imediate.

Mă schimb.

Cu fiecare clipă, cu fiecare moment.

Nu plîng.

Nu am lacrimi. Şi de ce aş plînge?

Visez.

Oare? Nu mai am nici vise. E păcat.

Aştept.

Aştept un semn, te aştept pe tine.

Cred.

Cred ca există încă o şansă. Deci totuşi visez.

Aberez.

Cred ca sunt lucidă, cînd în realitate nu sunt.

I know

I don't know how i know, but i know. So not knowing how i know and why i know, it is harder to believe that i actually do know. It is actually easier to pretend i do not know. But i know.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Cinema Paradiso

A fost odata un imparat care avea o fiica incintatoare. La picioarele ei a cazut un biet ostas din garda: " Te iubesc!" Printsesa l-a privit indelung si s-a lasat induiosata de sentimentele soldatului si i-a zimbit subtil: "Daca asteptsi sub balconul meu 100 zile si 100 noptsi, eu voi fi a ta. " Trece o zi, trec doua... trec zece, douazeci. El asteapta si viseaza. Ea iesea la balcon in fiecare seara, El nu se misca de acolo. Sub ploaie si ninsoare, in vint si furtuna. Dupa 90 zile devenise palid si uscat, lacrimi ii curgeau pe obraji si nu le putea opri. Si in tot acest timp, Ea il urmarea. Iar cind era deja a 99-a noapte, El se ridica si pleaca. De ce nu a asteptat?
Ieri, urmarind filmul, aveam un raspuns... daca printsesa l-a urmarit atita timp si nu i-a pasat de suferintsa lui, inseamna ca nu merita sa o mai astepte, caci in noaptea 100 ea ar fi fost a lui doar din obligatsie, caci promisese, si nu din cauza ca si-ar fi dorit-o.
Astazi insa, gindesc altfel, caci pina la urma, a fost un test, pe care el trebuia sa il treaca - nimic in viatsa nu se obtsine fara efort. De astepta inca o noapte, ea ar fi fost al lui. Rareori insa obiectul dorit corespunde intensitatsii visului. Poate avea frica sa nu fie dezamagit, caci cele mai intense iubiri sunt cele ce nu sunt traite.
In film se ofera o alta explicatsie.. Cum ca el ar fi avut frica de eventuala respingere in noaptea 100, si deci a preferat sa plece si sa nu stie niciodata sigur daca ea ar fi fost sau nu a lui, ci sa creada ca el a fost cel ce a ales sa nu fie cu ea.
Cinema Paradiso. Un Titanic al anilor 80. Despre ambitsie si dragoste. Si anume, despre succes. Despre alegerea ce trebuie facuta intre cariera si familie. Despre genialitate si talent. Despre sacrificii. Despre ratsiunea ce vine in contradictsie cu sentimentul. Despre menire si sens.
Era oare mai simplu sa iubesti in trecut? Era oare mai simpla viatsa? Oare cu atitea lipsuri oamenii erau mai fericitsi? Pe de o parte consider ca da, caci niciciodata lucrurile materiale nu au adus linistea, bucuria si fericirea. Erau razboaie, boli.... Acestea erau marile tragedii. Acum insa, cind tehnologia progreseaza, omul ishi gaseste alte nefericiri. Nesemnificative, calitativ. Insa le simte cu aceeashi intensitate ca pe cele din trecut.
Cariera si familie... de cind lumea exista aceasta dilema, si fericitsi sunt cei ce gasesc un mijloc de aur. Intrebarea eterna este daca aduc lucrurile materiale fericirea? Daca se poate inchiria iubirea? Daca potsi fi fericit avind respect si putere? Raspunsul este da. Pina si El, chiar daca niciodata nu a iubit pe nimeni in afara de Ea, chiar daca i-a marturisit intr-un final ca in toate femeile o cauta doar pe Ea, chiar daca sustsinea ca mereu ceva ii lipsea, pina si El, in scena finala, cind ishi vede un vis din copilarie implinit, ishi umple ochii de lacrimi si ishi da seama care este totushi unica sa pasiune si iubire. Alesese corect, deshi alegerea o facuse nu el, ci mentorul sau. Acesta, mai intelept, vazuse din start ca o minte geniala trebuie sa se dedice muncii, un talent extraordinar nu trebuie sa se piarda - iar dragostea impaienjeneste mintea, obstructsioneaza gindirea, distorsioneaza realitatsile si duce la extreme simtsurile.
Unii oameni sunt ai societatsii. Unele persoane au o o menire. Unii oameni trebuie sa ishi urmeze visul pentru a hrani si visele altora. Unii oameni nu pot fi doar a cuiva. Ei trebuie sa fie a tuturor.
Cinema Paradiso. Lung. Vechi. Calitativ. Impresionant.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Italian Mock exam

We have italian lessons 4 out of five days a week now. Before today, that idea seemed not only crazy, but suicidal. People are bored at the lesson not because the information presented is not interesting, but because they allow themselves to drift of to dream land and fall asleep every now and then under the soothing voice of the teacher that has such a melodious pronunciation. But today was not the case. Today we had our first exam simulation - the first out of the many that were promised to us ever since October.
The reaction was Silence. Shock. Terror. Nobody dared to say a thing, we were all going through the 3 papers with large shrift, and many dotted lines that we were supposed to fill. We watched the letters as they formed alien words and wondered whether it was possible for a sentence not to make sense to us after having read it 3 times. We read the instructions to the 3 sections of the exam and smiled slightly that we at least understood what was being asked of us. But there are no extra points for that. So we all tacitly decided that since Italian has only 3 credits, we are either going to fail the exam and take it in September, or not even bother to take it in the summer and .... take it in September. Either way..... Cazzo.

Monday, May 5, 2008

La vita e bella

Italian Movie Week continues as i have decided to fill my evenings with a mixture of The Useful and The Pleasant - useful as i get to practice my listening and comprehension in Italian and i become a little bit more informed when it comes to Italian culture so i would no longer hear comments like "You would't understand, it is typically ITALIAN". It is also pleasant as i get to lay around in my bed and squeeze all the fluffiness out of Hugo Bob.
Roberto Benigni is one of the best known Italian actors, in Italia and abroad. But still he does not have the same recognition as Mel Gibson, Brad Pitt, George Clooney, or, my personal favorite, Jude Law. -->
And it is only because he is not as good looking as the ones i have mentioned above. No, he is the typical Italian - curly, not too tall, skinny and light skinned. But his talent... let's just say that i am a fan.
"La vita e bella" - "Life is beautiful"- had a lot of surprises. Shame on me, i have heard so many good things about the movie, yet i never tried to find out more about the plot and the actors. So yes, i had no idea what the movie was about, but at least now i can say that i watched the original version and i can insist that a lot of things get lost in translation so that is why i had postponed watching it.
The first thing that struck me was the typically Italian settings. No wonder, the action takes place in Tuscany. The narrow streets, steep landscape and lack of trees, original renaissance architecture, small shops, wide squares, horrible parking and small romantic cafeterias with many tables for 2.
The movie is very light and easy to watch, even if one has to keep his eyes on the subtitles.
The humor, the energy, the joyfulness, the will of life and the perspicacity of the main character make him conquer the heart of his "Princess", as he calls her throughout the whole movie. Also, his imagination, his incredible strength and optimism makes him overcome the difficulties that come his way, thus the movie's title "Life is beautiful" does not reflect the positive aspects of life itself, but the fact that one's life is as he wants it to be, as he wants to see it. One may choose to wear pink glasses and that does not interfere with being responsible, ambitious and successful. One can go through life being an optimist, and thus enjoy every second of sun and rain, never give up hope and overcome disappointments by smiling and thinking ahead, wishing for better times that will surely not hesitate to arrive. Even if the attitude of the main character can be seen somewhat as an avoidance of reality and deep denial - only in one scene of the movie was it clear that Guido realized the true proportion of the happenings around him - i think that a positive view towards the things might not change any of them, but they sure make one more capable of thinking clearly as optimists always sleep better.
It is a tragicomedy - but i remained with a pleasant feeling. We all know that in life, when one cannot change the things around him, he must change his attitude. We all know that if we cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, we are looking the wrong way. We also know that a smile is more powerful than 1000 frowns - yet so few of us practice this sport regularly. Why is that?

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Ca-n telenovele...

El- puternic si hotarit, stie ce vrea, si face orice pentru a-l obtsine. Curajos, nu are frica de nimic si lupta pina la ultima picatura pentru ideile si principiile sale. Romantic, caci in clipele de singuratate cu aleasa, gaseste cele mai dulci cuvinte si cele mai frumoase fraze pentru a-si exprima sentimentele. Este cel mai puternic cind vine vorba de o disputa, de o lupta, si cel mai sensibil cind este cu iubita. Este indeajuns de posesiv ca sa o vrea numai pentru el, nu o imparte cu nimeni, si nici ea nu vrea sa fie a altcuiva. Ea, naiva si inocenta, cea care crede tot ce i se spune, insa nu poate sa se indoiasca de iubitul sau, ea, cea care face compromisuri si nu ii spune nimic pentru ca sa nu il raneasca. Ea, care pentru iubirea lui, sacrifica totul. El, ce apreciaza acest lucru.
Intr-un final, dupa multe greutatsi, dupa intrigi si dupa evenimente ce fac imposibila iubirea lor, dupa scurte momente in care se daruiesc clandestin unul altuia, intr-un final, toate personajele "rele" dispar din peisaj, fie ca innebunesc, mor sau sunt inchise. Deci fiecaruia ceea ce i se cuvine. Personajele ce de-a lungul multelor episoade au suferit alaturi de protagonisti li se ofera o soarta mai buna, rezolvarea tuturor problemelor, si mai ca nu se zice ca traiesc fericitsi pina la adinci batrinetsi.
In nici o telenovela personajul cu cel mai mult tupeu, cel mai obraznic, cel mai ambitsios, cel mai insistent, cel materialist, cel fara scrupule nu obtsine ceea ce vrea.
In nici o telenovela personajele nu se despart din cauza unor neintelegeri, caci timp de citeva sute de episoade, adevarul iese oricum la iveala si deci acestia se regasesc unul in bratsele celuilalt.
In nici o telenovela nu se asculta mintea ci inima, in nici o telenovela nu se renuntsa la sentimente, cit de tare si sus nu ar striga mintea ca acea iubire nu se poate. Caci macar pentru citeva episoade sunt fericitsi. Orice iubire merita traita, orice moment savurat, orice dorintsa implinita, orice vis vazut aievea. Oricum in final se ajunge intr-o locatsie romantica unde luminile si decorul creaza acel vis al oricarei fetitse de 12 ani cind el ii spune ca nu poate trai fara ea, ca fara ea viatsa nu are sens si tot felul de chestii siropoase.
In nici o telenovela nimeni nu are frica de nimic - chiar daca timp de citeva saptamini spectatorii sunt tsinutsi cu sufletul la gura caci Alberto nu are curaj sa ii marturiseasca Juanitei ca o iubeste inca din prima zi cind ea i-a zimbit misterios - pina la urma, ajutat de scenaristi, de suflori si de muzica de fundal, acesta ishi gaseste curajul sa ii fure un sarut. Risca, si da, este pocnit peste obraz de catre aleasa, lucru care face audientsa sa scoata un "Ah!"... Alberto nu stie ca in realitate Juanita l-a pocnit peste obraz din cauza ca mama ei a amenintsat-o ca daca nu se casatoreste cu Fernando care este de vitsa mai nobila atunci il va trimite pe Braulio sa il inchida pe Alberto in temnitsa caci acesta ar fi violato pe Mariela care in realitate este sora demult pierduta a Juanitei. Alberto nu stie toate astea, si totusi, fiidca este mai presus de puterile sale, nu renuntsa la fericirea sa, care este doar alaturi de Juanita.... Si astfel telenovela continua.
In telenovele se gaseste mereu timp pentru discutsii si este mereu atmosfera potrivita. Mereu se spune ceea ce trebuie spus la momentul dat, nu exista frustrari, nu exista retsineri, nu se tsine cont de reguli, nu se gindeste ci se simte. Nu exista teama, nu exista incertitudine. Pentru ca exista scenariu. Pentru ca daca se face o gresheala, regizorul striga "Stop!" si scena se reia. In telenovele intotdeauna exista a 2-a shansa.



Toti avem nevoie sa credem intr-un final fericit.


Saturday, May 3, 2008

Me and italian movie #1

Yesterday i had planned the start of Italian Movie Week. I started it on a Friday, because so i have all the weekend ahead. I am already bored with typically American movies, the plot and the ending of which is more or less predictable. I wanted something new and innovative for a change. Plus to that, YES I CAN watch movies in italian now, even if it is with subtitles, but given the accent of the characters, it is acceptable. So, with Hugo Bob in position, with my snack next to me ( i couldn't help it), with the downloaded subtitles and the "miau"-ing Italians outside my door (don't ask), I engaged in a 1:47 h journey through the typical italian. As if i had not had enough of that these months.
My search over the internet for italian movies was mostly in Mininova, as the rest of the torrent sites are flooded with the usual "jack meets kate" type of american movies. Without knowing which movies are the recommended ones, i went with my intuition and my logic - i chose the movies that give most results when they are Google-d, the movies that have the best comments - although it is a shame that IMDB has such a poor description of the non-american movies (how egocentristic can the US be??) and, of course, the movies with the most seeders/leechers.
"Non ci resta che piangere" - "There is nothing else to do but cry". Sounds promising? It is. And no, it is not about love and broken hearts. It is a movie directed by the two main actors Roberto Benigni and Massimo Troisi, the first is is an Academy Award-winning Italian film and television actor, writer and director who has more awards than i could count scrolling down his biography. The second is the same, excluding the Television part and substituting the writer part with poet. So 2 great personalities create a basically 2 actor movie, with a simple plot, simple decor, fancy clothes and genuine lines. The movie was a success at the "botteghino", i mean at the box-office, back in 85.
It is a comedy, and it really felt like one. Have i mentioned the simplicity? I have? Well, let me say that again, it is a comedy that seems so modest and that is why it is funny, as it does not try to be overly amusing. It also displays element of black humor, and oh, i love that:)
The watcher can identify with the persons in the film, as they are not super heroes or super intelligent human beings that end-up saving the world Bruce Willis like. No, these are simple people that find themselves in a tough situation but who deal with it as any one of us would, first with fear and disbelief, then with courage and humor, as when there is nothing else to do but cry, a little laughter does not hurt anyone.
The main questions of the movie are what would you do if you were to meet a great personality of the past, let's say, Leonardo DaVinci? Would you try to explain him the basics about a currents, semaphores, capitalism, locomotives and Oedipus complex? Would you try and teach him how to play cards? What about Cristofor Columbus? If you were to be in the 14'th century - 1492, but almost 1500 as it is stated various times in the movie, would you tell him that there was no way he could get straight to India by crossing the Atlantic and that he would stumble upon America? Would you try to stop him, as the 2 characters in the movie tried? They kept asking themselves what good did the US bring to the world in these years... "The electric chair?" - says Troisi. "Is that a good thing???"- replies Benigni. "The Beatles!" tries Troisi again. "They were English." - cuts him off Benigni.
Also, if you were in the 15 century, what would you try to invent? You at the moment have a lot of knowledge about how things should be, and for example if you find yourself in the past (a purely hypothetical situation) you would surely know what things are missing from the picture. But are you really able to invent them? Actually make them?? The characters went through a list of things they could "invent" and thus make some money and gain some authority and recognition. But starting with the lamp, after deciding they had to invent electricity first, they went over to the to the WC, but that did not work either, as inventing the utility was easy, while constructing the sewering system was a little bit more tricky. Not even songs could they "invent" - Yesterday sounded something like " YesterdaY... bambambaambabababababababam.... tralalalalala ... far away.... oh yesterday.... bambam baba.....".
Well, most of us would do slightly better in the 15th century than the 2 characters.... on the singing part. I say watch the movie. I liked it. It's a thumbs up:)

Friday, May 2, 2008

Din... principiu ?

Orele 10:00.
Experimentul culinar de azi dimineatsa a constituit omleta cu crabi si cascaval. Suna bine? Pai... nu. Esec total. Cit de greu este insa sa faci omleta??? Poate e din cauza uleiului, poate a ingredientelor, poate mina gospodinei. Am lasat insa deoparte egoul de Martha Stewart ranit si am mincat toata masa semi-omogena - asa, din principiu.
Noi facem ( sau nu facem) multe lucruri " din principiu". Acest concept a devenit deja o expresie, o parte indispensabila a vocabularului, caci rareori este vorba de un principiu adevarat. De exemplu omleta mea, este chiar un principiu sa maninc tot ce iese din bucataria mea? Sa nu accept infringerea si sa pretind ca este victorie chiar si atunci cind in mod evident, nu este? Nu. Este o metoda de autoaparare pe care am adoptat-o contra poluarii emise de realitatea in care traim. La fel am si multe alte instrumente de protectsie. Ca de exemplu sa nu las pe nimeni sa vada ce se intimpla cu adevarat in interiorul meu, caci, "din principiu", nu ma las prada sentimentelor si nici nu sunt spontana. Tot " din principiu", nu ripostez la atacuri, caci o batalie in care cele 2 partsi in realitate lupta contra sine este pierduta din start, sau in cel mai bun caz, se termina cu remiza. In realitate insa, este mai ushor sa te lashi batuta, fie ca e din principiu, din frica, din neputintsa sau din indiferentsa.

PRINCÍPI//U ~i n. 1) Teză fundamentală; idee de bază. 2) Cauză primară. 3) Punct de vedere propriu; convingere personală. ♢ Din ~ conform convingerii.

Principiile de drept sunt reguli de maxima generalitate care sintetizeaza experienta sociala si asigura echilibrul dintre respectarea drepturilor si îndeplinirea obligatiilor.
Etimologic, notiunea de principiu vine de la latinescul PRINCIPIUM care are sensul de început, obârsie sau element fundamental.Orice principiu este un început pe plan ideatic, o sursa de actiune.
Un principiu se poate prezenta sub diverse forme: axiome, deductii sau o generalizare a unor fapte concrete.


Fiindca ma gasesc intr-o groapa inspiratsionala, sau din cauza ca este o ora mult prea matinala pentru astfel de idei, sau fiindca omleta de mai sus nu mi-a picat foarte bine la stomac, reflectsiile mele asupra acestui subiect nu sunt coerente. Deci, folosind cel mai utilizat ( 76 %) motor de cautare am dat peste alte reflectsii asupra acetui subiect, si anume pe opinii.md, sau in alte bloguri, unde insa tema este privita din total alt punct de vedere. Am dat si peste alte articole interesante, ca de exemplu " invatsatsi sa copiatsi"si twisted logic .... si deci aici oficial m-am abatut de la tema.
Asa si nu mi-am gasit raspuns la intrebari. Stiu deja ce este un principiu ( vezi definitsia de mai sus), stiu care sunt principiile mele ( nu, nu am principiul ca trebuie sa ma las de principii, chiar am vreo 2 principii de care ma tsin voluntar-involuntar) insa la moment ma deranjeaza anume acele lucruri pe care le fac / nu le fac cica din principiu, cind in realitate am alte motive. Si deci iata, de la principii am ajuns iarashi la fenomenul de negare a realitatsii - nu ma mai intreb de ce nu A ci B, nu o fac din principiu. Punct.
Si din principiu, azi am 2 posturi.

ad absurdum

I have finally dealt with a problem i was having these days and i am glad to announce that the outcome has been a positive one. And now, that i have regained use of my computer - not that it's malfunction during the day has done me wrong, chapter 12 of accounting wouldn't have read itself without my participation, but now that i am back on track, i am gladly spending lots of time in front of the radiation emitting laptop, in a colon deforming position, damaging my eye sight and hammering on my creativity, may it rest in peace.

As i was surfing the internet, this is what i stumbled upon. Enjoy and make sure you do not overuse the phrases ;)

"Latine loqui coactus sum." - I have this compulsion to speak Latin.
"Labra lege." - Read my lips.


Sona si Latine loqueris. - Honk if you speak Latin.
Braccae tuae aperiuntur. - Your fly is open.


Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt. - You know, the Romans invented the art of love.
Re vera, potas bene. - Say, you sure are drinking a lot.


Magister Mundi sum! - I am the Master of the Universe!
Vescere bracis meis. - Eat my shorts.


Mellita, domi adsum. - Honey, I'm home.
Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre? - Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?


Ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum! -Don't you dare erase my hard disk!
Illiud Latine dici non potest. - You can't say that in Latin.
Vacca foeda. - Stupid cow.


"Sic faciunt omnes." - Everyone is doing it.
"Fac ut vivas." - Get a life.
Spero nos familiares mansuros. - I hope we'll still be friends.


"Cave cibum, valde malus est." - Beware the food, it is very bad.
"Res melius evinissent cum Coca" - Things go better with Coke.


"Veni, Vidi, Dormivi" - I came, I saw, I slept
Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo. - Don't call me, I'll call you.


"si hoc legere scis nimium eruditiones habes." - if you can read this, you're overeducated.
"Cogito Ergo Doleo." - I think therefore I am depressed.


"Utrum per hebdomadem perveniam"- If I can just get through this week
"Stercus accidit" - shit happens
"Carpe noctum!" - Seize the night
"Corripe Cervisiam" - Seize the beer!


Estne tibi forte magna feles fulva et planissima? - Do you by chance happen to own a large, yellowish, very flat cat?
Canis meus id comedit. - My dog ate it.


"Veni, Vidi, volo in domum redire." - I came, I saw, I want to go home.
Cave canem - Beware of the dog


Finem

Thursday, May 1, 2008

A beautiful mind

I have watched this movie when everyone was fussing about it and discussing the plot line and the memorable moments, like for example the pens scene. And since January, the downloaded file has been patiently waiting for the moment when i would be in the mood for some thinking instead of the usual "i wanna make time pass" movies that i find myself watching lately. I know that is one of the most horrible ways to relax, but it has so far worked for me. So finally, today, i decided to take some snacks out of the fridge, hug Hugo Bob, bring the laptop closer to the bed and finally watch the movie and remember why people kept saying it is such a great movie. Now i know why. Because it is.
I remembered the moment with the pens i mentioned before perfectly. And the scene with the Prize. And the speech. But yes, i shed a tear. Because it is so simple and beautiful, because it is so full of meaning, because it is about miracles and faith, the two things that i need right now.
Also, the quotes from the movie are simply brilliant....

Alicia: How big is the universe?
Nash: Infinite.
Alicia: How do you know?
Nash: I know because all the data indicates it's infinite.
Alicia: But it hasn't been proven yet.
Nash: No.
Alicia: You haven't seen it.
Nash: No.
Alicia: How do you know for sure?
Nash I don't, I just believe it.
Alicia: It's the same with love I guess.

I have been asking myself for quite a while now, how important is it to believe? If we want something so bad that we can almost touch it, will it come true if we really believe that it is possible? Or will we fall into the deepest pit of disappointment if it doesn't happen?
Most of the times, if you really believe in something, especially in miracles - they happen. Yet my attention has always been distracted by the pit of disappointment i mentioned, so i cannot have that much faith in anything. I would like to say that i am skeptical, but no, it is pure pathetic fear.

"I still see things that are not here. I just choose not to acknowledge them. Like a diet of the mind, I just choose not to indulge certain appetites; like my appetite for patterns; perhaps my appetite to imagine and to dream."

"I think that's what it's like with all our dreams and our nightmares, Martin, we've got to keep feeding them for them to stay alive. "


Nope, no more food for them.
There is a saying, " i can resist anything but temptation"... At the moment i am not sure if what i am is called responsible or coward. If i had had the guts to do all that i have wanted to do up till now, i would not be here. I do not know whether that " somewhere else" is a better place, but i guess i will never know that now, huh? So i call them dreams and i let them stay that way, trying to keep them as pure and as innocent as i can. But they will never be anything more. Just dreams. Dreams that i sometimes do not even acknowledge are there.

"It's called "life," John. Activities available; just add meaning."

Simple recipe, yet so many fail to follow it. Funny, isn't it?

"Find a truly original idea. It is the only way I will ever distinguish myself. It is the only way I will ever matter. "

Some people never find that original idea, that something that makes them stick out of the crowd. Yet i think it is worth the search.