Trends

I know where i am going and where all this is gonna end. And it's not because i am confident in the future, or because i can foresee it. No, i just put 2 and 2 together, and as my lovely neighbor always says, 2+2=4. And that is how i know.
On one side, trends are nice, as they are linear ( or non-linear, it does not matter) dependencies among a certain set of variables, for which you calculate your deviation and then you can rest assured that you will not have any bad surprises. Nor any good ones, for that matter, but in some situations, certainty makes one and the other compensate.
I tend to think that we involuntarily opt towards creating our own trend of thought, of ideas, of decisions. And thus, consequently, our life follows the pattern that we have previously chosen. At a certain moment in life though, due to unexpected shocks, one may choose to shift the line so that it goes either through a predetermined point, in a desired direction or so it avoids certain unwanted happenings. But there still is a trend. Coz i do not think people change drastically over night. They can choose to do some things differently, to see some matters in a different light, they can choose to be better or to approach a problem from another point of view. But nobody can go over what he or she is, no matter how much we try. Coz we are who we are - with certain deviations, with certain errors and with a few improvments along the way.
Decisions. How hard and yet how simple they are.
Yes, i have a trend - aside from the obvious reborn interest in this blog. At the moment, the trend shows that i am willing to work hard in order to have fast results. It shows that i know who i am and what my limts are. And revelations come in silly moments like today, when i found an umbrella on the seat behind me in a study room. For a second, i asked myself the question whether i should take it, as my own umbrella was stolen just last month in a store. But then i thought that i do not want to do to another person what has been done to me. Maybe someone will come back for the umbrella. Maybe yet another person will take it. But my decision - to leave it there - transposes itself also into deeper and more important spheres, where i often decide that if i am hurt, i will not hurt somebody just in revenge, that i will not keep a grudge and i will not apply the "an eye for an eye" unless necessary.
I once asked what our principles are. Well.... now i think that they are the engines of the trends we follow.
I have tried to make my trend not too steep and not too flat - as i do not want to burn out bright and die quickly, neither do i want to stall and become the snail that gets its eyes thrown back once it gets on a roller-coaster. Although the coefficients of my equation are hard to define, i am continuously and stubbornly working on it.

Echilibru

Echilibru in ceea ce faci si ceea ce simtsi, intre ceea ce trebuie sa fii si ceea ce esti, intre necesitatsi si dorintse, intre drepturi si obligatsii. Echilibru intre sentimente si ratsiune, echilibru intre durere si fericire, intre munca si odihna, intre activitate si lene. Echilibru intre umor si seriozitate, intre aluzii si remarci directe. Echilibru intre subtilitate si curaj, intre adevar si minciuna - echilibru intre sinceritate si prefacatorie, intre rabdare si actsiune. Echilibru intre inceput si sfirsit. Intre aminare si decizie. Echilibru in refuz si accept. Intre bine si rau, intre frumos si ordinar.
Echilibru intre persoana ta si lumea inconjuratoare. Asta cautam. Asta gasesc incetul cu incetul, zi de zi....

Neclar (II)

Am observat, si nu doar odata, ca zicala "cine cauta gaseste" este de mai multe ori eronata decit corecta. Atunci cind cautsi ceva cu indirjire, ai in fatsa ta o imagine bine stabilita si ai impresia ca stii exact ce si unde cautsi - insa in proces te concentrezi la lucruri gresite si potsi trece cu privirea unele aspecte extrem de importante. Concluzia mea nu este insa sa nu mai cautam - ci doar sa o facem cu foarte mare atentsie. Sa nu uitam ca trebuie sa avem grija ce ne dorim, caci dorintsele odata si odata devin realitate. Mai devreme sau mai tirziu, visele se implinesc, iar noi avem datoria de a ne bucura de fiecare moment si de a pretsui fiecare clipa de fericire, fie ea si incompleta....

Neclar

Citeodata este bine sa lasi lucrurile sa mearga de la sine, caci tu, nestiind foarte bine de ce se joaca uneori viatsa cu tine intr-un mod atit de dur, ai putea sa faci anumite gresheli ireversibile, in cazul dat "non-creative" si mai degraba stupide. Cred totusi ca tot ce se face se face spre bine, chiar daca este foarte greu uneori sa acceptsi anumite lucruri si sa treci peste acele evenimente dupa care vrei sa faci uz de terapia anti-stres. ----------------->
Exista situatsii in care sa fii responsabil inseamna sa iei o decizie, alteori insa, trebuie sa o eviti pe cit de mult posibil pentru ca timpul ishi are si el efectul sau asupra anumitor probleme. Si nu, in cazul dat aminarea solutsiei nu este calea cea mai usoara, pentru ca te maninca zi de zi statutul de problema deschisa - in aceste cazuri se bea cafea cu lapte condensat si se relaxeaza sub cintecele demult uitate a The Killers si 3 Doors Down.
Stiu ca imi pun aceasta problema in mod gresit. Stiu ca nu am o abordare corecta si deci ma chinui sa gasesc acel echilibru intre linistea sufleteasca si bunastarea inimii. Ma las influientsata de factori externi insa evitarea acestora imi fac mai mult rau decit bine. Deci astept. Astept sa se faca miine, caci nu aduce anul cit aduce ceasul. Si sper. Visez. Cred.

Aproape

Da, grele sunt despartsirile cu un EU, cind stii ca nu vei mai fi acea persoana niciodata. Si plecam, desigur, nu fara a ne uita in urma, desigur, nu fara a regreta toate pe cite totusi nu am reusit sa le facem, insa mergem si mergem, caci asa ajungem in urmatorul punct. Caci fiecare final este un inceput. In cazul meu, inceput de cautare. Cautare a celor pierdute, restructurarea sistemului prezent si reabilitarea defectsiunilor. Mai clar: caut un aparat de fotografiat, scap de anumite obiceiuri nesanatoase(da, am si eu asa ceva!) si string strachinile din jur ca sa nu fiu tentata sa mai calc in ele asa cum am facut deja de atitea ori.

Odata cu venirea diminetsii, in drum spre aeroport cu Rammstein volum ridicat in Mitsubishi Pajero al cumnatselului s-au mai limpezit perspectivele ce cu o seara inainte pareau foaaaaarte intunecate. In aeroport am intilnit un coleg de facultate. Era el cam trist, si dupa cite am inteles, cam din acelasi motiv ca si mine, fiindca lasase mult prea multe acasa si mai voia timp... timp insa niciodata nu avem destul, caci pentru acele lucruri ce deja sunt parte din noi nu ai niciodata destul timp, nu stii masura, caci este o dependetsa. Am lasat insa toate gindurile deoparte si am zis ca daca tot suntem la coada pentru check-in spre Milano, de ce sa nu ne bucuram ca merge repede controlul pasapoartelor si a bagajelor si deci am trecut prin aceleashi dezbateri pe care le-am avut deja de atitea ori inainte, despre sistemul in care traim, regulile carora ne supunem si modalitatsile de a evita pe viitor situatsiile neplacute.
In zbor, atmosfera lejera, o revista, un somn, un citec la Rozov... Deasupra Malpensei insa ploua. Si deasupra bagajelor la fel. Era trist si posomorit, prima impresie nu a fost deloc una placuta, insa am zimbit si am mers mai departe spre acel shuttle ce avea sa ne duca in orasul studentsiei noastre. Acolo era insa liniste. Fiindca veneam ambii din orase destul de zgomotoase, acea tacere nu ne-a parut linistitoare, ci mai degraba moarta. Orasul nu e mort, nici pe departe, doar ca are un ritm cu totul diferit de ritmul Bucurestiului sau al Chisinaului.
M-am simtsit insa binevenita in oras, datorita oamenilor care imi sunt oricind aproape, daca nu fizic, cu sufletul. Este normal ca sa fie foarte putsine astfel de persoane, si anume acest lucru ii face speciali.
Am 3 trandafiri superbi pe masa. Am o camera plina de cutii si alte lucruri impachetate - toata viatsa a 3 persoane se afla acum in jurul meu. Cind am ajuns, din motive tehnice, nu aveam nici macar lumina in camera, insa cind am intrat am simtsit ca exista intre acesti 4 peretsi o aura, un sentiment - exista viatsa.
Nu am avut putere sa fac ceva - am lasat toate intilnirile mai obositoare pe astazi. Voiam sa fiu doar eu cu mine. Aveam si am inca nevoie sa fac curatsenie in camera si in calculator, insa cel mai mult am nevoie sa imi ordonez gindurile, sentimentele, emotsiile. Acele emotsii care s-au tot adunat fara mila, acele emotsii care s-au amestecat si acum sunt un talmesh-balmesh total. Sunt acele amintiri de care ma leg cu disperare si stiu ca nu ma vor trage inapoi, ci din contra, ma vor ghida sa merg inainte. Da, am luat anumite decizii fara a-mi da seama, vreau deja sa schimb atitea lucruri la mine, si am observat ca deja le schimb. Pentru ca vreau sa fiu mai buna. Pentru ca vreau sa reusesc. Pentru ca pot.

The L word

Daca mult timp dansezi de unul singur, este greu ca dintr-o data sa mentsii ritmu l cu o alta persoana. Esti deja obisnuit sa te misti solo, iti cunosti rutina, iar chiar daca apare ceva neprevazut, stii ca esti doar tu cu tine si deci solutsionezi repede dilema si mergi mai departe. Gasesti tu acolo o miscare de legatura chiar daca tsi se schimba brusc cintecul, in 2 insa, te pocnesti cap in cap si mai calci si pe picioare daca nu calculezi bine.

Exista o diferentsa intre a te indragosti si a iubi pe cineva. Te indragostesti la prima vedere, de exemplu, sau in orice caz, foarte repede, iar persoana data este centrul universului tau si tu nu vezi si nu stii nimic mai mult ca ea. Simtsi acei fluturasi, acele furnicaturi, acele batai nebune ale inimii cind sunteti aproape. Este un sentiment nebunesc, insa anume prin el simtsi ca traiesti.
Iubirea insa vine treptat, impreuna cu atasamentul si afectsiunea. Deja incepi sa cunosti persoana data, te obisnuiesti cu ea, ii acceptsi lucid defectele si ii apreciezi constient calitatsile. Aici se creeaza o legatura mai stabila, mai trainica, ce poate ca nu ofera aceleasi senzatsii tari ca in primul caz, insa iti ofera un anumit grad de bine care nu se compara cu nimic.

Doi prieteni apropiati rar se indragostesc unul de altul. Ci doar prietenia lor poate trece in ceva mai serios, mai important, la un alt nivel. Deja cunosti persoana data, deja nu iti asumi atitea riscuri, deja stii aproximativ cum vor derula evenimentele. Si te bagi, pentru ca la un anumit moment din viatsa ta ai nevoie de acea sigurantsa ca totul va fi bine, nu mai ai chef de jocuri si de tachinari. Vrei sa construiesti relatsia perfecta, vrei sa stii incotro mergi si vrei sa o faci cu ochii deschisi, nu aruncindu-te intr-un oarecare abis caruia nu ii stii parametrii. Deja stii ca e serios, deja stii ca amu ii amu si ca trebuie sa iti joci bine toate cartsile. Desigur ca apare totusi acea intriga, acele mistere, caci nu potsi cunoaste niciodata o persoana in intregime, insa stiind ca ai luat decizia cu cap, stiind ca trebuie sa treci peste asta, gindesti si deci treci peste obstacole. Si ceea ce a fost o mica scinteie se transforma intr-un rug, iar ceea ce a fost o dorintsa si o curiozitate, poate, se transforma in certitudinea unei relatsii frumoase.

Si totusi, afectiunea/ atasamentul vine cu timpul... pofta deci vine mincind?

Minciuni, dulci minciuni

Minciunile. Cu totsii le spunem, fie ca celorlaltsi, sau noua inshine. Si chiar daca ele ofera o alinare de moment, adevarul are asa o caracteristica ce il face sa iasa mereu la suprafatsa. Si cu cit se intimpla mai devreme, cu atit e mai bine. Nu avem curaj insa, nu avem curaj sa spunem ceea ce simtsim si ceea ce se intimpla cu adevarat, pentru ca o minciuna este mai moale, mai blinda, ascunde ceea de ce iti este rusine si te lasa sa dormi linistit caci ai lasat deznodamintul pe miine. Insa daca nu spui ceva, acest lucru se simte in privire si in comportament, iar prin a ascunde un adevar important potsi rani mai adinc, potsi distruge mai multe decit daca ai fi fost sincer de la inceput.
E greu insa sa fii sincer. Ar insemna sa te deschizi, ar insemna sa ai incredere, ar insemna sa fii vulnerabil. Cui insa ii place sa fie vulnerabil??? Mereu dorim sa parem mai tari decit suntem in realitate, mereu incercam sa fim ceea ce nu suntem pentru ca suntem complexati de propriile defecte si nu putem accepta ca asa cum suntem putem fi iubiti si doriti, ca nu trebuie sa ascundem ca nu suntem ca ceilaltsi ci din contra, trebuie sa ne mindrim cu asta.
Uneori gresim, insa pentru a putea avea prietenii alaturi trebuie mai intii sa recunoastem acest lucru. Chiar daca acestia ne vor mustra si poate se vor dezamagi nitsel, pina la urma, prietenii adevarati sunt mereu linga tine cind ai cea mai mare nevoie, te vor ierta si te vor intelege, nu te vor lasa la izbeliste. Pe cind daca ii mintsi, si mai ales o faci sistematic, acest lucru distruge prietenia, sau orice alt fel de relatsie. Consider ca da, este bine sa mentsii un anumit nivel de mister, intriga, insa pina intr-un anumit moment - cind este momentul adevarului, daca iti pasa de persoana de alaturi, fii sincera cu ea, chiar daca uneori nu este ceea ce vrea el/ea sa auda. Poate va aprecia acest gest, poate va dori sa fie mintsit(a) mai departe, insa tu nu potsi lua aceasta decizie singur.

Eu nu ma pricep la a spune minciuni. Ma pricep insa la aminarea unui raspuns si la distragerea atentsiei. Si asa fac, cind nu pot/nu vreau sa raspund sau sa spun ceva cuiva. Da, uneori mint. Insa cind o fac, o mica parte din mine crede ceea ce spun. Caci ca sa mint pe cineva, trebuie sa ma mint mai intii pe mine insumi. Ma stradui insa sa fac acest lucru cit de rar posibil.

Cind eram mica, insa, eram o taaaare mare mincinoasa, si nici macar nu ma pricepeam la asta :)))

extras din filele copilariei mele, autor: sora mea
( vin eu acasa cica pe la vreo 15:00, lectsiile le terminasem la 11)

Mamica : " Unde ai fost?"
Eu : "Am stat afara."
Mamica : " Da de ce nu ai intrat in casa?"
Eu : "Tu nu erai acasa. Nu am chei."
Mamica : "Eu de la 12 sunt acasa."
Eu : "Eu cind am venit, nu erai."
Mamica : "... Si te-ai dus la Rodica."
Eu : "......Da."
Mamica : "Ce-ai mincat acolo?"
Eu : "Nimic."
Mamica : "Treci si maninca."
Eu : "Nu vreau."
Mamica : "Ce ai mincat acolo?"
Eu : "Olecuta de bors."
Mamica : "Olecutsa asta cit?"
Eu : "Ei... o farfurie."
Mamica : "Si gata?"
Eu : "Da."
Mamica : "Da la felul 2?"
Eu : "... ochiurele"
Mamica : " Si numai?"
Eu : "Da."
Mamica : "Da gura de ce itsi e murdara de piure?"
Eu : "Ei... si piure a fost... "

Foarte foarte relativ

Sa fii romantic, sa fii ginditor, sa fii singur, sa fii tu. Sa stii ce vrei, sa stii unde ai fost, unde esti si incotro te indreptsi. Sa te simtsi bine si sa zimbesti in fatsa necunoscutului anume din cauza ca nu stii ce te astepta, anume din cauza ca poate fi ceva extraordinar ce nu ai mai simtsit vreodata. Sa te gindesti, insa in acelasi timp sa nu o faci. Sa lasi sa mearga de la sine. Sa incerci lucruri noi pentru ca nu stii niciodata ce vei descoperi in acele locuri unde nu ai cautat niciodata. Sa nu ai frica sa te deschizi caci doar asfel poate intra lumina si caldura. Sa ai incredere in tine si in prietenii tai, ei sunt acolo pentru a te ajuta si pentru a te sustine. Nu te ascunde, caci astfel risti sa para ca nu vrei sa fii gasit.

Oare mai este loc pentru iubire? Cind te afunzi in probleme materiale, cind ai atitea decizii de luat, cind sunt atitea confuzii, atitea clipe de nedumerire? Oare mai este timp sa iubesti? Oare mai potsi visa, oare mai crezi in iubire, cind te doboare alte probleme, mereu altele si mereu mai importante? Oare mai ai timp sa daruiesi o floare, sa primesti un compliment?
O viatsa traim. Fara a sti ce va fi miine. Exista doar aici si acum. Iar miine acest "acum" nu va mai fi. Miine vom fi diferitsi. Poate vom regreta ziua de azi. Poate vom regreta ca am fost fericiti, fara nici o grija. Poate vom regreta ca am incalcat atitea reguli. Astazi insa nu se stie ce va fi miine. Miine vom afla. Astazi trebuie sa traim.

Exista acele momente in viatsa unui om pe care nu le uitam niciodata. De multe ori sunt momente neintentsionate, momente in care pur si simplu tsi se opreste timpul si stii ca da, esti fericit, poate si fara vre-un motiv aparent. Mai trist este insa cind lasi sa treaca pe linga tine acest moment pentru ca esti prea ocupat gindindu-te la alte prostii.

Multe si putsine

Milano s-a acoperit cu nori si este trist. Nu se aude mai nimic in jur - toata lumea este pierduta in gindurile si problemele sale. Este o duminica ca si toate celelalte, o duminica ce vine inainte de o zi de luni.


Cit de departe imi parea aceasta zi. Si cit de mult nu voisem sa ajung in aceasta duminica seara, singurica, gindindu-ma la bagaje. Am si altele pe suflet, insa pregatirile pentru plecare sunt unicele kestii de care pot sa ma ocup si unicele lucruri pe care le pot rezolva, pe cind celelalte elemente imi scapa, ele nu depind de mine, si deci zac incapabila, iar tot ce pot face este sa fiu optimista si sa sper ca totul va fi bine.

Acuma sunt calma insa ma simt sleita de puteri. Am nevoie de somn in patucul meu ce nu imi era atit de drag vreo 10 luni in urma. Am nevoie de liniste si pace, am nevoie sa ma adun si sa imi vad de treaba. Este insa prea multa derutare si confuzie in jur. Ma invaluie aceste emotsii pe care le-am tot aminat caci nu imi permit sa le las aproape de inima - aceste sentimente ma cam ajung din urma. Si totul vine impreuna cu nostalgia care nu-si are locul, impreuna cu sentimentul ca a trecut un an iar acum cind culeg roadele ma uit in jur si vad ca sunt singura, impreuna cu aceasta stare de epuizare emotsionala. Datorita acelor adevaruri de care am tot fugit insa acuma nu le mai pot evita, datorita acestei necesitatsi de a face ceva, si nu in ultimul rind, datorita acestei inimi ce nu ma lasa sa merg mai departe si care totuna bate pentru o persoana ce nu o va sti niciodata, ma simt prinsa in propria mea capcana din care nu vreau sa ies. Asta e, mi-am dat seama ca nu am vrut pina acum.

Pentru 2 surori care nu se vad decit 2-3 ori pe an, 4 zile la Milano inseamna incredere, discutsii, veselie, risete, emotsii, bere, semintse, dulciuri, sarcasm si shopping. Doar atit. Nu am avut timp pentru nimic si pentru nimeni altcineva, sper ca m-au iertat si inteles cei pe care i-am ignorat in aceste zile. S-au intimplat multe si nimic in acelasi timp, eu m-am bucurat insa de aceasta sansa de a trai o alta viatsa la Milano, de a schimba peisajul fara a pleca nicaieri, de a trai o aventura in orasul in care sunt deja de aproape un an. Am aflat multe chestii, ca de exemplu la ce ora se deskide magazinul de alaturi si cum se ajunge mai repede de la Piazza Oberdan la Parcul Sempione. Am reusit sa ma incurc in metro de fiecare data cind am intrat acolo, am reusit sa ma cert cu portarul in italiana caci ma prinsese in semi-flagrant delict. Am reusit sa urcam pe Duomo, sa vedem Castello si Cadorna. Am reusit sa mincam inghetsata 4 gusti si sa ne plimbam obosite prin parc. Am reusit sa cutreieram de vreo 2 ori via Torino si Vittorio Emmanuele. Am reusit sa intilnim aproape toata lumea draga mie de aici. Am reusit sa vorbim, sa mergem, sa cumparam, sa ridem, sa ne compatimim, sa ne imbratsisam. Nu am reusit insa sa ne certam. Niciodata nu ne ajunge timp pentru asta.

Nu vreau, nu pot, nu cred - trebuie sa scapam de negatsie. Si simplu de tot se ajunge la VREAU, POT, CRED.

Definitions

When you tell a person that you miss them and they are surprised to hear it, it means that you do not say it nearly enough.

When you realize that only a few aspects of your life have changed and yet they had had such a major impact on the total outcome, you realize that Pareto guy was actually right.

When you want to cry for no apparent reason, that is a sign that you have some repressed emotion. It means you have to let it out as soon as possible, if not, it will let itself out in the least appropriate moment.

When you know what you have to do and yet you find excuses not to, it shows that you do not want it that much.

When you do not stop even for a moment fearing that if you do you will be tempted to stay, it means that you are not in control anymore. So you move away.

When you know things that there is no way for you to know, it is called intuition. When the things you know make you smile, it's called wishful thinking or optimism. When you start thinking bad things, it is pessimism. When you try to pretend you do not know that what is in frot of your face. That is called denial.

When you go on even if there is no hope, that is called either courage or stupidity.

When you decide to go with the flow, it means that you do not want to do anything no more. It means that you have chosen the easy way. Which is not always the right way, but in some cases, you just have to wait.

Emotsii

Eram in clasa 10 si stateam in banca cu o prietena buna. In pauza sau cind ne plictiseam, jucam diverse jocuri pe hirtie, faceam teste si flirtam pe cit de mult posibil la 16 ani cu baietsii din spate. Cind jucam insa trebuia mereu sa o las sa cistige. Pentru ca daca pierdea, statea bosumflata toata ziua iar eu nu aveam cu cine sa ma distrez. Asa ca lasam de la mine. Unde lasam, unde chiar pierdeam. Ea era(si este) o luptatoare. Pentru ea era importanta victoria. Pentru mine, contraza mai mult drumul spre ea.

Sunt perfectsionista in ceea ce priveste batalia. Insa cind ajung la final, las rezultatul sa imi scape din miini. Mereu am fost asa, insa incerc sa ma schimb. Incerc sa nu mai dau in bara si sa nu ma mai innec la 1m de mal. Poate ma si tem de succes. Cine stie, poate de aia il tot evit. Caci da, de il cautam mai cu indirjire, l-as fi obtsinut. Insa niciodata nu am fost de acord cu "scopul scuza mijloacele". Si nici cu " in dragoste si razboi totul este permis". Si aici am avut de pierdut. Multe. Constientizez asta.

Ieri discutam cu o prietena o tema banala. Am ajuns insa la argumentul ca daca o persoana iubeste o alta persoana exact cum este aceasta, atunci inseamna ca nu o iubeste destul de mult. Cind iubesti o persoana cu adevarat, o motivezi sa devina mai buna, sa lucreze si sa puna in valoare ceea ce ai iubit la inceput in ea. Sa lupte si sa aiba succes. Nu o compatimesti, nu o ajutsi cind poate sa se descurce si singura. Desi este frumos, desi citeodata ai nevoie sa tsi se dea o mina de ajutor, trebuie sa fii atent ca nu cumva sa devii dependent de acel mic imbold. Trebuie sa constientizezi ca uneori persoanele te iubesc prin a te ignora. Ca ele te iubesc prin a te refuza. Ca te iubesc prin a-ti reda libertatea. Prin a-ti reda propria persoana.

Increderea in oameni este un lucru foarte important. Increderea in viitor si in iubire. Incredere in fericire. Optimismul te face sa treci mai usor prin dificultatsile vietsii, insa citeodata este nevoie si de putsin realism. Pesimismul, pe de alta parte, nu merita nimic. Caci el ofera doar consolarea de a fi avut dreptate. Eu mi-am cam pierdut increderea in tot ce este frumos si nu imi dau seama de ce sunt atit de inchisa si neincrezatoare. Nu am avut traume recente, nu am probleme majore (bat in lemn). Si atunci? Si nu vreau sa ma simt asa. Insa asa reactsionez. De fiecare data cind cineva face un gest frumos, eu caut subtextul. De fiecare data cind mi se face un compliment, il cred minciuna si iarasi caut adevaratele intentsii. Oare nu mai pot crede in frumos? De ce?

Am 2 mari manii.
1. sa vorbesc [mult] si sa se tsina cont de parerile mele. Este o chestie ce mi-a fost implantata inca din copilarie, cind daca eram imbracata corespunzator timpului de afara, daca eram satula si nu aveam rani deschise - nu se uita nimeni la mine. Si de atunci am dezvoltat aceasta necesitate de a fi mereu ascultata... voiam sa cresc mare pentru ca in sfirsit sa conteze si parerea mea.
2. am observat recent ca sunt mereu caut sa fiu ea cea care conduce. In prietenie, in relatsie, in... orice. Devine deja enervant si pentru mine, darmite pentru cei din jur, care s-au limitat la a-mi zice ca sunt stranie, insa dulce.
O alta chestie este ca pina acum nu puteam delega. Preferam sa fac eu totul. Acum insa, sunt mindra sa zic ca pot sa transfer responsabilitatea asupra altor persoane. Insa totul trebuie sa se faca in felul meu. Cu exactitate.

Astea sunt lucruri la care ma gindesc eu astazi, in ziua in care am ratat o chestie pe care nu mi-as fi iertat-o pina acum. Astazi insa mi-o iert, si nici nu stiu de ce. Am devenit oare mai indulgenta cu mine insumi?

Issues

When you fight, you discover lots of things about yourself. Coz the mouth speaks without the mind. Lucidity is lost and you are all open and sincere.

I have patience. And i start to wonder if maybe i did something wrong. Sometimes i did, sometimes i did not. But that is not the issue, who did what. Conflict is healthy. It dissolves the illusion of perfection. It helps release the tension. It brings out the truth. It helps glue elements together or put them apart forever. It is healthy, because it is natural.

Sometimes you have to admit you are wrong. sometimes you have to admit that you are weak. That you are confused.
Sometimes it is better to trust people and ask for help.

If things do not go as u want them to, accept it and do your best in the circumstances. Some things may seem strange, they may seem different, they may seem cold and foreign. Accept it and do not try to look for a "why" no matter how tempting it might be. Just don't.

Calm down. Relax. Breathe. And then start over. Because life is a set of vicious circles. You can stay on the one you are on at the moment and know what the next stop will be. You will get there with no tremendous effort. Or you can jump and get on the next one and see what else is there in store for you.

(exces de sinceritate azi)

Circumstantsele fac totul. Te fac sa faci ceea ce nu vrei si te fac sa nu potsi face ceea ce vrei. Te fac sa simtsi ceea ce nu ai simtsi in mod normal, si te fac sa reactsionezi in moduri stupide in situatsii banale. Urasc circumstantsele. Si urasc aceasta incapacitate de a zice NU.

Deci fara a ma stresa, a fost luata decizia pentru mine. Si nu mai pot da inapoi. Caci EL stie ce vrea. Si da, acum am nevoie de acel cineva care stie foarte bine ce vrea si care ia totul in miinile sale. Cel ce este blind cind este nevoie, si cel ce este dur cind asa se cere. Offf, cum ma mai scot de data asta?

Din... principiu ?

Orele 10:00.
Experimentul culinar de azi dimineatsa a constituit omleta cu crabi si cascaval. Suna bine? Pai... nu. Esec total. Cit de greu este insa sa faci omleta??? Poate e din cauza uleiului, poate a ingredientelor, poate mina gospodinei. Am lasat insa deoparte egoul de Martha Stewart ranit si am mincat toata masa semi-omogena - asa, din principiu.
Noi facem ( sau nu facem) multe lucruri " din principiu". Acest concept a devenit deja o expresie, o parte indispensabila a vocabularului, caci rareori este vorba de un principiu adevarat. De exemplu omleta mea, este chiar un principiu sa maninc tot ce iese din bucataria mea? Sa nu accept infringerea si sa pretind ca este victorie chiar si atunci cind in mod evident, nu este? Nu. Este o metoda de autoaparare pe care am adoptat-o contra poluarii emise de realitatea in care traim. La fel am si multe alte instrumente de protectsie. Ca de exemplu sa nu las pe nimeni sa vada ce se intimpla cu adevarat in interiorul meu, caci, "din principiu", nu ma las prada sentimentelor si nici nu sunt spontana. Tot " din principiu", nu ripostez la atacuri, caci o batalie in care cele 2 partsi in realitate lupta contra sine este pierduta din start, sau in cel mai bun caz, se termina cu remiza. In realitate insa, este mai ushor sa te lashi batuta, fie ca e din principiu, din frica, din neputintsa sau din indiferentsa.

PRINCÍPI//U ~i n. 1) Teză fundamentală; idee de bază. 2) Cauză primară. 3) Punct de vedere propriu; convingere personală. ♢ Din ~ conform convingerii.

Principiile de drept sunt reguli de maxima generalitate care sintetizeaza experienta sociala si asigura echilibrul dintre respectarea drepturilor si îndeplinirea obligatiilor.
Etimologic, notiunea de principiu vine de la latinescul PRINCIPIUM care are sensul de început, obârsie sau element fundamental.Orice principiu este un început pe plan ideatic, o sursa de actiune.
Un principiu se poate prezenta sub diverse forme: axiome, deductii sau o generalizare a unor fapte concrete.

Fiindca ma gasesc intr-o groapa inspiratsionala, sau din cauza ca este o ora mult prea matinala pentru astfel de idei, sau fiindca omleta de mai sus nu mi-a picat foarte bine la stomac, reflectsiile mele asupra acestui subiect nu sunt coerente. Deci, folosind cel mai utilizat ( 76 %) motor de cautare am dat peste alte reflectsii asupra acetui subiect, si anume pe opinii.md, sau in alte bloguri, unde insa tema este privita din total alt punct de vedere. Am dat si peste alte articole interesante, ca de exemplu " invatsatsi sa copiatsi"si twisted logic .... si deci aici oficial m-am abatut de la tema.
Asa si nu mi-am gasit raspuns la intrebari. Stiu deja ce este un principiu ( vezi definitsia de mai sus), stiu care sunt principiile mele ( nu, nu am principiul ca trebuie sa ma las de principii, chiar am vreo 2 principii de care ma tsin voluntar-involuntar) insa la moment ma deranjeaza anume acele lucruri pe care le fac / nu le fac cica din principiu, cind in realitate am alte motive. Si deci iata, de la principii am ajuns iarashi la fenomenul de negare a realitatsii - nu ma mai intreb de ce nu A ci B, nu o fac din principiu. Punct.
Si din principiu, azi am 2 posturi.

Just me

Is it bad to be different? When in Rome, do as Romans do? When is there need to change, for what reasons, to what extent and with what consequences? I know the things that i want to change in me. I know the things i cannot change in me. I know the things i want to keep. Does that makes me inflexible?
I never try to seem what i am not. And maybe it is a mistake, as some things need to be hidden. I do not underline them, but neither do i lie when i am confronted with the facts - i'd rather be honest from the beginning because sooner or later, the truth comes out. But is later better than sooner?
I am not multifaceted, but i am complicated. It is hard for me to know how i will react in different situations, but i know how i will not react. People judge others after themselves. Thus i am judged in so many manners. Why do we put ourselves in the same basket and cannot accept the idea that yes, we are all different? Remember, you are unique, just like everybody else... If you cannot forgive a lie, that does not mean that i can't. If you have certain values, chances are that mine are different.... If you respond badly to cruelty, that does not mean that i will too... I might understand you even if you do not understand me. I might help you even if you do not help me. I might smile sincerely even if behind your smile i see only frustrations and envy..... I might look for you when you have already given up hope on me. Because i am not you.

Reality Statement

Roxanchik LTD

Balance Sheet

At April 16, 2008

(on a scale from 1 to 10)

Assets
Current Assets
Material resources (cash)	3
Short-term investments ( study for exams, daily routine)	6
Receivables (hugs, kisses, information, smiles, understanding, forgiveness)	9
Supplies ( chocholate, coffee)	3
Other current assets	6
AVG	6
Noncurrent Assets
Equipment ( study materials, patience, acceptance of situation)	2
Long-term investments ( personal development, socialization )	7
Other noncurrent assets	8
AVG	8,5
Total Assets AVG 6,25
Liabilities and My Equity
Current Liabilities
Apologies and explanations givable	4
Other short-term obligations ( smiles, hugs, explanations, decisions )	9
My Equity
Contributed capital ( calm, patience, endurance)	8
Retained earnings ( cash, hugs, smiles, kisses, sigh, opinions, ( frustrations ) )	8
Total liabilities and My Equity AVG	8

Notes : It looks like there is a problem. There are more liabilities and equity than assets.

- Too many ( gross ) receivables. Need to make adjusting entries and calculate bad debt expense and allowanced for noncollectable expectations and doubtful positive outcomes. There are some things that i can no longer expect to receive. But i still keep it in my balance sheet, in the receivables, as hope dies last, naivety never ends and some dreams never disappear.

There is a stringent need to increase both short term investments - study more and take care of the urgent, and maximize the long term investments, pursue the important. I can no longer procrastinate and leave all for tomorrow, because today is yesterday's tomorrow.

I have understated the expenses, that is why the retained earnings, what i think i have and am entitled to is too large. There are some things that have to be written off, as i know the precise receivable account that needs to be netted. And the debtor that needs to be exonerated.

I also have too much contributed capital- must to lose some of that patience, stop enduring and start doing something, like consuming supplies, using the long term assets and achieving profit.

I have to offer all of the outstanding apologies and explanations and smile to those who have deserved it. I have to talk about what is bothering me instead of avoiding the situation. I know the problem will not go away, and thus i have to deal with it as soon as possible. There will be no asset increase, but at least i will be in balance.

Scattered drops and scattered thoughts

Thought #1.
It is raining. No surprise.

Thought #2.
I am thinking about how i could have handled the situation better. And guess what, there are not so many things i can blame myself for. Just a few.... i did have a painful reaction to all that has happened, but i kinda think i had a right to react that way.Now i am oscillating. I am tempted to do " the right thing", but i am not sure that in the meantime i will be able to maintain my calm and self control. As it is said, after war, all are heroes. Avoid the war for as long as possible? Yep. As it is said, leave what you have to do today for tomorrow, and who knows, maybe you won't have to do it at all. This is exactly the case, but the problem is that the events are unfolding in an unwanted direction. And if i do not intervene, they will keep doing just that. What to do? Well, i guess i will just wait a little longer.....

Thought #3.
The phrase " it's not you, it is me" is a concept that screams " i do not want to tell you directly that i do not want anything with you. " You use it when you are too chicken to tell a person in the face that you are done with him / her. But you hide behind the idea that you are trying to spare the other person's feelings. Yeah, right. But in this case... It really is me. And i really do want to keep things going. I just want to set my own rhythm. Is that too much to ask?

Thought #4.
Is love enough? No. And once again, it has been proven. Compatibility? Understanding? Likeness? Compromise?

Thought #5.
I can finally say that i am no longer confused. Things have been clear for quite a while now, but i still felt safer under the "confused" concept. Confused means "undecided". Confused means there is no need for immediate action. Yes, i do stall things and i suffer of acute laziness. So sue me.
I know what is wrong and why, i know what i do not want and i am trying to figure out a diplomatic / safe way of avoiding it. The only issue is with the things i do want. Half of them are put on hold, under the label " never gonna happen, get over it, grow up". The other half is being worked on. Slowly, but surely.

Thought #6.
It is raining. I am actually kinda enjoying it.

The most abstract post ever

This morning came way too fast for me. It is actually a good thing that outside it is cloudy, as i am moving in slow motion and i keep asking myself questions like " What day is it today?" and "Why don't i have any food in the fridge?". Sunday, and respectively, because.
I woke up as i half asleep- half awake admitted to myself that no, i will never do what i am tempted to do coz i have too much good sense for it.... And i am also inclined to avoid any aiding factors that cloud judgment because next time i will not resist and i will do something that would probably feel good in the short run, but smth i will not be too proud of later.
On the other hand... Giuseppe's status says " He who risks, may lose... But he who does not risk, has already lost". Which is correct, so never regret anything in your life, because all we do is out of yearn for happiness. Some things may prove to have positive consequences, some may not, but in the end, all of them go into the little box of memories that makes ones life fall further up the axis that goes from " pathetic", to " worth writing a blog each day" and gets to "so wonderfully exciting that i wish i would live it over and over again and never get bored". That is why after a night when i let go of myself and almost drowned in my own misery i am torn between yes and no questions, between faces and memories of the past and between wishes, dreams and ambitions of tomorrow.
Today is yesterday's tomorrow, and i am happy to be lucid. I am glad i have moved on and i am slowly sinking in the fact that no, it was never real and yes, i am better now.

The times that were

As i have previously mentioned, a friend of mine suffers from my ignorance even more than i do, that is why he tries day in and day out to diminish my level of blondeness by sending me all kinds of links with interesting information. He does not read my blog, coz he finds it is a waste of time, and i kinda don't blame him - for as much as i try to post useful information, i end up whining and feeling sorry for myself and besides learning from my errors and smiling here and there, there is nothing useful at this address. Anyways, as i am an incurable optimist ( except when i am not ) and i hope for the best and thus continue posting :) I even changed the name and colors of the blog so i would stop being so dreamy, and on some level, it worked. I consider myself more realistic now, except that i kinda see only the realities i want to and ignore the rest. It is working for me so far, so if i have been ignoring you lately, draw your conclusions :P
Getting back to what i wanted to say - no, my goal was not babbling endlessly about what went wrong in my life, when and why did it go bad - was that my friend sent me an interesting article today, where a very important question was hidden between the lines... " Where does the time fly?"
The main concept is Faffing which is the art of doing something without achieving anything. Well, i can surely say that i am good at faffing. And it is true. There are many distracting factors that prevent us from achieving the desired outcome, may that be study, sports or blogging ( yes, for the critics, that's an activity too).
This year, the trees that have already blossomed, the birds that are already singing and the hormones that have become a very annoying factor made me wonder if it really is spring already? Where did all these past months go? What have i done in all this time? It's like not so long ago that i was wondering whether i was gonna make to Milan or not. Then i got in the Univ, and did not want it no more - talk about be careful what you wish for. Things had really started to work out for me at home, it was almost too good to be true... and in the end, it was, coz i gave it up and came here, 2,5 hours late at Centrale, tired and confused. The first impressions had been nor good nor bad. The streets were empty, the stores were closed, the traffic was slow - now i know that it is typical behavior for a Sunday evening in Milan. But at the time it was really weird as i had just come from Bucharest, one of the loudest cities i have ever been to, of course, not surpassing NY, but that is another story. I was not hungry even if i had not eaten in a while, i was more like confused. I looked around and tried to seem normal, and i think i managed. I had not imagined how it would be like to be here, so in the end, there was no way for me to be disappointed. No expectations, therefore, no variance between real and expected values.
It rained. I was unable to sleep for two days. It was noisy - the dorm is next to the tram depot. I was kinda lost in time and space, but i was strong ( or stupid ) enough not to admit it and so i told no one and pretended i was fine. I ate only dairy for a week - lack of calcium maybe? The room was grey and empty. I got connected to the internet a few days after my arrival, and i was also given a phone, but who was i to call? I knew italian poorly, but it was a good thing that shortly after my arrival, the alarm on my hallway triggered so i stuck my head out of my sanctuary and that way met Giuseppe, who was sweet and nice and he still is that way. And he spoke English. And he still does, when he is not too lazy and does not switch to italian:) He is the type of guy that one can have a conversation with on any subject, he is the type that has books that are not in the school programme in his room. He reads Dante. He reads Ovidiu. He listens to Radiohead and Pink Floyd.
The first week passed incredibly slowly. I was awaiting a package from home, package that was supposed to contain many of the things i have left behind - things i did not actually need, but which make our existence more pleasant - dishes, clothes, sweets, biscuits and other things that could have been bought on the spot, but i had rather have them sent over all the way from Moldova.
During that week i had met almost all the persons i would interact with throughout the next week, i got used to my new bed and actually started sleeping, i realized that asking directions on the street prevents one from being lost, and i decided that no matter how bad i felt inside, Italy was the place i had to be in at the moment. I was not sorry for making the decision to leave my parents and my friends behind, of getting out of the comfortable environment where everything was stable and accounted for in order to come to a new country, the language of which i did not speak and start everything over.
The first semester passed both quickly and slowly. I made certain compromises with myself, i took some risks, i made some mistakes, i doubted myself and paid attention to unimportant things, but i smiled and i had fun, i dreamed and i did all in my power to have my dreams come true. And even if i had promised myself to never ask " what is the worst that can happen" in a situation fearing that i might actually live to know the answer, it did happen, but i shrugged and moved on. It is true that i am still tempted, it is true that i am still lost in space, but i like to think that today i am in a better place than i was in yesterday.
And now it is spring. Now i have made certain choices, and some of the changes are drastic, but it is the only way. Now i look back on who i was and i smile. It is said that a fool is he who makes the same mistakes. I have found that i am no fool, as i keep finding new mistakes to make. And it is what keeps me going.

Io voglio

Rectific :

i want i want i want... and i want it sooo bad it hurts.... and i am afraid that one of these days i'll snap... and this day is close, i can feel it... i want i want i want i want.... keep away from me :)