Glue

(04-08-2010)

We are all social beings. We need to interact, we need to talk, we need to be listened to. But it is so hard to find the person who is willing to offer you his or her time, because in this McDonaldized world (more about that in another post :P ) no one has time for the good stuff anymore. I, for example, find myself lost in the illusion of sufficiency.... and still i ask myself if this is the life i ordered. No, but this is what i got, so i'd better make the best of it.

I once had a friend whom i could tell everything. I would tell him the stupid things i did that day and i knew he would make fun of the routine events and turn them into something funny and worth remembering. We would talk about the black spider that freaked me out and he would send me links of tarantulas. We would laugh - and not just send smileys - but really laugh.
I would tell him about how i felt and i knew he would try to make me feel better. He would make me take off the pink glasses and see the natural beauty of life. I would never feel bad about myself for things i said or did because next to him i felt on the right side of weird. He would make fun of me sometimes, but it was mutual. I always felt he was there, that he cared, even if he always denied it. I would tell him the deepest secrets and he most hidden fears, i would ask questions. If i were to get ambiguous answers, at least i knew i was not alone in it, for i had shared it with someone who was there, online at that late hour. If, for a change, i got an answer... i was happy, coz he was the one helping me find my way through the difficulties that now seem a bunch of crap.
But then it all ended. And we could no longer get it back, coz once lost, trust is very hard to regain.
And i miss him. It is true that i miss him less every day, but on some days, i remember the long nights and the whole days that we stayed discussing the world order. Today is one of those days.
He's online. But i can no longer tell him that i am eating Nutella with a spoon. I can no longer share with him the joy of having finally said "NO" to something i should have pushed away a long time ago. Now i can no longer tell him that i want to return to how things were... because now i know for myself that a cup once broken can never be glued together to be the same as it was.