Diverging

There are some things that you think you know or you think you can do but in reality, when you try, you realize that you are unable to. You realize that you are more rational than you would want to be, that you are more comfortable as you are so you do not want to risk the steady feeling in order to maybe gain. Yes, it is easier. And yes, if it does not happen, you do not want it bad enough. And yes, we have selective memory, and yes, we choose our excuses carefully.
I have excuses. I have excuses not to dream.

Right now i am in difficulty as i have stated that i am officially a happy person. But.... There always is a but. I am a happy person because i am no longer disappointed. And for me, that means that i have let go of my dreams. Dreams that used to be there are no longer tangible. I was deeply surprised that i wanted to speak about my dreams and.... i could not. Because i do not dream. Officially. Does that make me a happy person? No, that makes me an empty person.
I am in urgent need for some real dreams. All i have wanted up till now i have achieved, and when stating this fact, i was told that i have not set high enough goals. That i did not want the right things. And it is soooo true.

Right now i am spontaneous. And i have no fear, because i have nothing to lose. When you have nothing to lose, it means you have nothing you cherish. You have no fear, you have no feeling. And right now, I am overthinking this soooo out of proportion, but hey, that's me. And there's nothing better i can do with my time but think about the things i need not to think about. And i do it consciously, what does that make me? It makes me an official problem seeking junkie. Now that i do not have issues, i am making up some. Just to keep my mind busy.
It is quiet. It is nice. But it is too quiet. I hate it.

The thing is, i feel something and i cannot explain it. I just know it. And i cannot figure out a better way to make it happen that what i am doing at the moment. It is a little frustrating as the progress isn't that significant, but at least it is there (the progress). And theoretically, i am wasting my time. Coz literally, what i am doing is waiting. But what if i know that it will all be worth it one day? Is it wishful thinking? Is it intuition? Or is it the easy way out when in the end i say " oh well, i guess i was wrong, i can move on now. So what if i have wasted n*a time measure(let's say months)? I had a FEELING. And no, you cannot go against feelings. I cannot go against feelings. Great.

Do i thinkn too much? It depends. I think too much abut the things that get me absolutely nowhere. The rest are just put on hold. Gr-reat.