As i have previously mentioned, a friend of mine suffers from my ignorance even more than i do, that is why he tries day in and day out to diminish my level of blondeness by sending me all kinds of links with interesting information. He does not read my blog, coz he finds it is a waste of time, and i kinda don't blame him - for as much as i try to post useful information, i end up whining and feeling sorry for myself and besides learning from my errors and smiling here and there, there is nothing useful at this address. Anyways, as i am an incurable optimist ( except when i am not ) and i hope for the best and thus continue posting :) I even changed the name and colors of the blog so i would stop being so dreamy, and on some level, it worked. I consider myself more realistic now, except that i kinda see only the realities i want to and ignore the rest. It is working for me so far, so if i have been ignoring you lately, draw your conclusions :P
Getting back to what i wanted to say - no, my goal was not babbling endlessly about what went wrong in my life, when and why did it go bad - was that my friend sent me an interesting article today, where a very important question was hidden between the lines... " Where does the time fly?"
The main concept is Faffing which is the art of doing something without achieving anything. Well, i can surely say that i am good at faffing. And it is true. There are many distracting factors that prevent us from achieving the desired outcome, may that be study, sports or blogging ( yes, for the critics, that's an activity too).
This year, the trees that have already blossomed, the birds that are already singing and the hormones that have become a very annoying factor made me wonder if it really is spring already? Where did all these past months go? What have i done in all this time? It's like not so long ago that i was wondering whether i was gonna make to Milan or not. Then i got in the Univ, and did not want it no more - talk about be careful what you wish for. Things had really started to work out for me at home, it was almost too good to be true... and in the end, it was, coz i gave it up and came here, 2,5 hours late at Centrale, tired and confused. The first impressions had been nor good nor bad. The streets were empty, the stores were closed, the traffic was slow - now i know that it is typical behavior for a Sunday evening in Milan. But at the time it was really weird as i had just come from Bucharest, one of the loudest cities i have ever been to, of course, not surpassing NY, but that is another story. I was not hungry even if i had not eaten in a while, i was more like confused. I looked around and tried to seem normal, and i think i managed. I had not imagined how it would be like to be here, so in the end, there was no way for me to be disappointed. No expectations, therefore, no variance between real and expected values.
It rained. I was unable to sleep for two days. It was noisy - the dorm is next to the tram depot. I was kinda lost in time and space, but i was strong ( or stupid ) enough not to admit it and so i told no one and pretended i was fine. I ate only dairy for a week - lack of calcium maybe? The room was grey and empty. I got connected to the internet a few days after my arrival, and i was also given a phone, but who was i to call? I knew italian poorly, but it was a good thing that shortly after my arrival, the alarm on my hallway triggered so i stuck my head out of my sanctuary and that way met Giuseppe, who was sweet and nice and he still is that way. And he spoke English. And he still does, when he is not too lazy and does not switch to italian:) He is the type of guy that one can have a conversation with on any subject, he is the type that has books that are not in the school programme in his room. He reads Dante. He reads Ovidiu. He listens to Radiohead and Pink Floyd.
The first week passed incredibly slowly. I was awaiting a package from home, package that was supposed to contain many of the things i have left behind - things i did not actually need, but which make our existence more pleasant - dishes, clothes, sweets, biscuits and other things that could have been bought on the spot, but i had rather have them sent over all the way from Moldova.
During that week i had met almost all the persons i would interact with throughout the next week, i got used to my new bed and actually started sleeping, i realized that asking directions on the street prevents one from being lost, and i decided that no matter how bad i felt inside, Italy was the place i had to be in at the moment. I was not sorry for making the decision to leave my parents and my friends behind, of getting out of the comfortable environment where everything was stable and accounted for in order to come to a new country, the language of which i did not speak and start everything over.
The first semester passed both quickly and slowly. I made certain compromises with myself, i took some risks, i made some mistakes, i doubted myself and paid attention to unimportant things, but i smiled and i had fun, i dreamed and i did all in my power to have my dreams come true. And even if i had promised myself to never ask " what is the worst that can happen" in a situation fearing that i might actually live to know the answer, it did happen, but i shrugged and moved on. It is true that i am still tempted, it is true that i am still lost in space, but i like to think that today i am in a better place than i was in yesterday.
And now it is spring. Now i have made certain choices, and some of the changes are drastic, but it is the only way. Now i look back on who i was and i smile. It is said that a fool is he who makes the same mistakes. I have found that i am no fool, as i keep finding new mistakes to make. And it is what keeps me going.
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